stagxz

@stagvxz

your emo boy. dump (and 2nd acc)

Joined October 2023

1 Following

18 Followers

71 Posts

stagvxz retweeted

Tagc @stagxz

9 months ago

Hello everyone, This is going to be a long vent thread (or post). As I've mentioned before, I use this account and platform as a space to express feelings I can't always share in real life, it's my boundary-protected outlet. This thread continues the one I quoted above, which I posted back in April 2024. I'll start with a quick summary of that original thread for context, then share how I've been holding on since then, including a recent disaster that's shattered me even more. I'll keep it concrete with specific details from my experiences, but if this feels too heavy or unrelatable, feel free to stop reading, no hard feelings. In the original thread, I opened up about a fear that's haunted me for over 17 years, starting from elementary school: the words "best friend" or "bestie" trigger deep anxiety because I've never had a mutual number-one friendship. I've always felt like a secondary option to others, someone they like and connect with, but never their top priority. I'd meet amazing people, share hobbies, deep talks, and laughs, but they'd always have a closer bond with someone else, often from childhood. I explained how this asymmetry makes me hold back from claiming anyone as my best friend; I wait for them to say it first, terrified of rejection. The repeated losses, people drifting or abandoning me abruptly at least three times, have left deep trauma, making every attachment feel like a risk. This isn't a new problem; it's been constant since first grade, when pairs formed at recess and I was left out. Maybe I had one early on, but we lost touch, and it hurts knowing nobody seeks me out to rebuild. I also shared how fiction helps me cope, stories like Hunter x Hunter or Steven Universe, where two inseparable friends form unbreakable, platonic ties that melt my heart but also highlight what I'm missing. Even certain doujins with young male characters appeal to me because they depict pure, fresh bonds that start without pre-existing hierarchies, letting me imagine being someone's irreplaceable center in a way real life never has. The pain peaked 3-4 years ago with a suicidal breakdown, feeling like fate was stacked against me. And just before posting that thread, a near-loss of a close friend sent me spiraling again, shaking, mind foggy, everything blurred. Now, over a year and a half later (it's November 2025), nothing has fundamentally changed. The ache is still constant, still the core of my emotional world. Don't get me wrong, I still have friends now, good ones I value and who value me. And I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend, which brings its own fulfillment. But romantic love isn't the same as this platonic need; it doesn't fill the gap of never having that one person who chooses you first, without strings or rankings. At 23, adult life makes it even harder, everyone's inner circles are locked in, and finding someone whose "number one" spot is open feels impossible. Psych studies back that lacking reciprocal close ties spikes depression risks, and for me, the trauma of people leaving keeps compounding, turning hope into numbness. I've been holding on by still smiling daily, still creating, still trying to connect despite the patterns. But then came the worst heartbreak yet, with a friend I'll call "Pow" to keep things anonymous. We became incredibly close, spending tons of time, money, and effort together. We'd hang out, play games, chat about everything (even pointless stuff), and build so many memories. I'd call to wake him up almost daily; he'd do the same in return. I got to know his family, visited his house, gave advice, shared stories, everything. People even joked we were dating because it was that intense. Pow showed mutual feelings: he liked having me around, missed me, acted loving in ways I couldn't ignore. As someone who's gay and obsessed with male characters in games (pulling for them, etc.), he opened up to me about it without judgment, something he couldn't do with his other IRL friends, who didn't share his interests like I did. That made me feel worthy, like I was finally breaking the trauma from the original thread. I thought, "This is the ideal friend I've always wanted, no hierarchies, just mutual priority." But doubts crept in. Pow sent vague messages: saying he liked me around but also didn't, disappointing me over small things like getting home late, sleeping too much when tired, or spending money (he's very frugal). I'd see constant disappointment on his face, limiting my moves to avoid it, even though others questioned why he'd react that way over minor stuff. One time, I asked him out for dinner; his reply was unclear. I showed up at his house anyway, waited three hours in front, checking in like "Should I go home?” still vague responses. Finally, he came out acting like nothing happened, just saying "You're still here? Okay, let's go." There were plenty of things that disappointed me about him, denying mistakes, avoiding vulnerability, expecting me to fulfill every want while ignoring my feelings. But I couldn't afford to lose him, so I held on. Then, in September 2024, disaster struck: Pow suddenly stopped talking, no valid reason. I begged like a child, asking why, reliving all my actions for faults. Weeks passed; he claimed he was busy and hated me accusing him of abandoning us, insisting nothing was wrong. But he was online gaming every day for hours, yet couldn't reply to me. We argued into November, my birthday, where he denied ignoring me. I gave up temporarily. He reached back in late December, acting normal again. Things somewhat resumed, but the vagueness persisted. The past year (into 2025), he'd say he liked me around but contradict it, leaving me confused. Always the mixed signals. Then, in September 2025, it escalated: Pow cut me off completely, no reason. He removed me from games and socials but kept talking and playing with our mutual friends daily, denying any issue between us. Everyone knew something was wrong, but he played naïve (or maybe just naïve) . I reached my limit, thoughts turning dark, almost suicidal, wondering why I always meet the wrong people. No response from him, not even a read, while he tweeted daily. It peaked on my birthday this month (November 2025). As someone I thought was my closest friend, he didn't wish me happy birthday personally. Instead, he asked a mutual to greet me, saying he'd follow up, but he didn't directly. When confronted (via our friend), he claimed we were never close; I was just a group chat friend. It shattered me, he threw away all our memories, still denying problems. Last week, he messaged vaguely to my vent, a whole ass paragraph (so many of it, just acknowledging some shit) . To recap that message: He acknowledged my vent but dismissed expectations, apologized half-heartedly for the birthday (implying his "plan" was scrapped because of me), and gave a belated, detached wish, acting like our bond never mattered. Until today, he hasn't added me back anywhere. It shows he does not care anymore. This is the worst friendship breakup ever, destroying me more than anything before, reinforcing that I’ll always be secondary, always lose people without closure. Honestly, I still haven’t told the absolute worst parts of what Pow did and said. There are details that hurt so much I can’t fit them into this thread right now without falling apart while typing. So if/when I feel able, I’ll probably make another continuation thread just to get the rest out. because keeping it inside is killing me, and writing is the only way I know how to breathe through it. For now, this is all I can manage. If you read until here, thank you from the bottom of my heart. To my tiny audience: I love you and appreciate you holding space, even when it’s this ugly.

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