Stephanie Sparer

Low ratings but a strong cult following. Your 2020-2023 reigning Pandemic Queen. Emmy award-winning writer. #binder

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

Hi! I’m starting a free Substack where I’ll ramble maybe a little more coherently than I do here.

This may seem like I’m jumping on the bandwagon, but ask @aspaul, it’s actually been a long time coming.

Please join me for Isn’t that Lovely! https://t.co/diQ0Jze4ST

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

I’d do it, I would, it’s just that I personally don’t have the energy to start writing sentences like, “John McCain was my senator the same way Chandler Bing was my boyfriend.”

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

I don’t know if Sarah Vowell is still writing now that she has mad Pixar money, but there’s a new play about John Mccain’s ghost and I feel like this could be the first half of a book about history, culture, roadtrips. Aka her thing. Bringing back strong 2012 NPR vibe.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

This D23 Parks panel could have been an email.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

I am not hungry because I am angry ♾️ I am angry because I am hungry

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

Janet Jackson voice: WHAT DID YOU MANIFEST LATELY

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

My eyes don't hurt anymore tho 🥲

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

I just found out blue light can make your skin sag (probably everyone else already knew this, but whatever), so I turned off the blue light from my Mac. Now it's very 1998 up in this bitch. Super yellow. Looks like I'm going to boot up Kid Pix.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

Once you turn on Night Shift mode, the screen colors look like your MacBook stopped smoking inside the house, but the damage was already done.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back pocket. Because that’s where my phone lives.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

She looks beautiful in the light.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

Good morning from the mug my soul is trapped in. Luckily, @aspaul found it and returned it back to me.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

@andrewlincoln You’ll be hearing from my lawyers

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

Taylor Swift like

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

I still wear my retainer every night to show my teeth who’s boss.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

My husband and I share a hair stylist and he schedules a cut for himself every month which means once a month he lies to our hair stylist and tells her I’m not cutting my own bangs even though all three of us know that’s not true.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

Me writing a bestselling book in 1998 called, DO THEY SERVE COFFEE IN HEAVEN?

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

Let my gravestone read, "She will be missed?"

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

When I die, bury me with all my free gift with purchase cosmetic bags.

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

"Is she ... trying something?"
"No, babe, she's always been like this."

[Stephanie Sparer @stefispice]

hey kids, hmu if you want even more grumpy old Arizona wife probably-going-to-die-of-cancer-just-based-on-stats jokes. NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL GIVING UP is only $19.99 and if you order now, you get a lifetime supply of Epsom salt for when your L2-L4 start to really go. call now