🙌 👌🖕👍

liaison to the duchess of nausea

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

i know the name of

my mother’s unborn daughter

and a hurricane

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

Dad was a milk man mom was a wet nurse

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

Mind you Bartleby was never passionate about scrivening

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

The aftermarket fruit of Pitt loin is recontextualizing itself in real time on broadcast news

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

Parisian Hilary escargot to the polls c'est n'importe quoi

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

Ten years standing shirtless outside this fucking Abercrombie

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

Respectfully I observed her sexiness consensually and clocked her as fresh soul and do-work and then it was plots. She said I talk fancy but I step simple and then proceeded with the stabbing which occurred in my right lower quadrant and for which I do not wish to press charges.

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

The deranged acupuncturist who implicated me in the haunting manifestations of his post-colostomy ennui by subjecting me to “meditative performance art” involving the nightmarish personification of his o-bag as a foul-mouthed succubus is wearing Ferragamo for Scientific American.

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

The name of the bar is an unutterable slur but it’s the only place in town with malt liquor on tap
The owner’s silent centenarian mother operates a coin laundry joint out of the basement
Wednesday’s supposed to be Cocteau Twins night, but the jukebox hasn’t worked since Tet

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

My major league career was short-lived and tainted by homoerotic “locker room foreplay” consisting of sexually-charged aggression and innuendo-laden humor. I found the pros’ preferred method of fraternizing inelegant and borderline unprofessional.
I just wanted to play ball

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

My nephew tried convincing his life partner to get her Unknown Pleasures tramp stamp lasered off and she countered by suggesting he ease off the nitrous. All day on that couch huffing the braincell pulverizer like it’s juice.
Now they’re going halvesies on a hairless anxiety cat

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

The first text message I ever received was from a woman explaining that she would have kissed me after our first date were it not for a handsy psychiatrist from her past who had romanticized her schizophrenia and inspired her distrust in obese, bespectacled men with veneers.

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

I spent several years researching traumatic brain injuries after an acquaintance, distraught by a romantic dissolution to the point of hysteria at the time of the crash, managed to instantly compartmentalize his despair when the impact occurred
Alas, so went the light in his eyes

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

You told me he died when I asked how he was doing.
You explained further that he died in an absurd, catastrophic way while carrying out an innocuous task involving nominally unthreatening objects.
I had thought you were going to say something else. That’s why I laughed.

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

I was doing brand deals with the surgeon general of the EU until I found out no such position exists.
I underwent several elective surgeries, gruesome photos of which were promised real estate on imported tobacco products.
God had other plans for me.

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

As currency has the right to continuous circulation, the five quarters in my pocket were returned to me in the form of a check.
There is one payphone on the corner. The rest have been torn out.
It might be nice to have a cold drink with an old friend.

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

The myth that hollowing out a bible does irreparable damage to your spiritual resiliency was manufactured by the American Lung Association.
The two best days of my life were my first conjugal visit and my last.

[Daily Noud @DailyNoud]

Bobby Shmurda, 31, claims he’s 25 years old:

“I don’t count the years in prison.”

[🙌 👌🖕👍 @stfujoey]

I bought fake pastries
They weren’t even choux

[matt @mattybtweets69]

I am a lineman for the county