Esther

gamedev diary & personal account
sleep deprivation ranting/venting
she/her

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

@m0rninghaze 温かい毛布が気持ちいい。

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

I feel like no matter what I do, things almost always end up poorly for me. Even venting to friends, they always misinterpret what I say, jumping to conclusions rather than trying to listen and letting me finish what I have to say.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

Honestly, I don't feel sad, mad, or even disappointed, I feel numb to the whole thing, like a deaf person getting verbally yelled at from behind. I don't know why I feel like this, but the only thing bothering me now is how tired I am of drama, yet it always follows me.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

The worst part about that whole ordeal was that I applied to work there, causing me a lot of stress whether or not I would've gotten the job or not, but even after learning what I learned, relief never came, I'm still stressed. I feel like a lot of weight is on my shoulders.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

Quite a few people I told the reasoning had also agreed to never return, as they also find it abhorrent. I personally do not care if they still go or not, that's their decision, but I will not support a place that breaks my own very fair rules.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

Even if that venue does the right thing and bans it later on, I won't ever return on the principle that the owner argued with me over it for an extended period of time, having a double standard of something that's almost the exact same being banned but allowing the other.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

As for the other venues, I'm helping my friend start one, I'm working at one, and I'm in the process of starting my own. I actually got locked out of my secondary email because I forgot the password, and the recovery system is so ass.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

For those confused, I'm talking about #FinalFantasyXIV. It's not something I can report to the GMs, as it involves modding, but it's something I strongly hate. I will not specify further to protect myself, and to not stir drama. I just need to vent.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

i stopped going to that venue because of that reason, what they allow is something i strongly disagree with. When I left, a lot of people were wondering why I did, and I did tell them. After a while of repeating myself, I just set myself to DND just to get some peace.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

I've felt so stretched thin lately. Having to play WoW Forever with people and reading for the book club we started, drama with one of the most popular venues repeatedly, learning that same venue allows certain things I find disgusting, working at other venues, starting my own.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

When ever I see maids on my feed, I get a sudden warmth in my heart. I love maids so much.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

I'm really struggling to add strafing controls to my game. I need to have... let's say... L1 replace Look Left and Look Right with Strafe Left and Strafe Right when held down. My game has "tank controls" but I'dlike to add strafing. All of the solutions I've found doesn't work.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

Monetization wise, I'm not sure what I'd set my game's price at. I could look at other indie games, but that won't really give me an idea as every other game is wildly different to what I'm making, and the closest ones are either not indie or are indie but free.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

One problem I have with game development is coding. I can do just about everything else, but coding is my bottleneck. I refuse to use AI for any projects I make, even if I get stuck. I'd rather be stuck than have my projects suffer due to AI being involved.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

I don't want my games to turn into that, an endless abyss of mods that are what people deem fixes. I understand that is hypocritical of me, but I do wish that I could make games people will enjoy for a very long time, and mod my games not as fixes but as enhancements.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

A lot of the time, I feel like some games are unfixable, even with advanced levels of modding, such as @SKYRIM being fundamentally so heavily flawed in my eyes. I once installed around 780 mods to fix that game, and even then, there was core issues that couldn't be fixed.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

Another fear I have is how and where would I distribute my games? I know @itchio and @Steam exists, but I have some issues with both platforms that makes me not totally comfortable with either. I refuse to release on @EpicGames too for reasons.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

Even if I were to make a smaller game, I wouldn't even have the slightest clue on what to make. Everything I can think of has already been done, and done way better than I could ever do it.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

In all honesty, I should start working on smaller projects, stuff that won't take a long time to develop so I can hone my skills, but, I've always been afraid that people would hate my magnum opus and love the smaller games that I'd make. It's something I've always thought of.

[Esther @sthrhldgrd]

Another thing that really killed (and saved) my drive for game dev is FFXIV. Learning how to mess with models and textures, even making my own clothing at one point really made me feel like I should start working on my stuff again. That, and I wish to make better models than SE.