StuMonster

Preferer of deodorant over antiperspirant. Recently self-promoted to the upper echelon of mediocrity.

[Jabie Scarlett @TRBLmakerJBS]

Relationship status:

Updating my online profile. At Domino's.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

Being a woman means never having to clean up piss after an infamous, midstream, laser-to-shotgun transition.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

Foreplay with hookers is hereby known as enjoying "Whored'oeuvres."

[Josh Bramlett @SonofConway]

Notice how it never matters in spy movies if they properly eject their flash drives or not.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

One time, in this one movie, there was an Asian guy that didn't know any martial arts.

Bad movie of course.

[Kat 🇨🇦🇬🇷 @kathybotteas]

I can't get the cork off my dinner.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

I don't have a fancy seashell imprinted on my toilet, but there is a stain in the bowl that seems to be mostly permanent.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

I know Kung-fu.

[moody monday @mdob11]

Medic alert bracelet: I'm fine.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

Thanks for the wedding wine from Ohio, Aunt Jo and Uncle Max.

*decants bottle into kitchen sink after one drink*

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

Jehovah Witnesses hate it when you give them candy and say, "Aw, Jehovah Witness costumes. Happy Halloween!" when they come to your door.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

I only thought of one tweet today. I think my life might finally be getting back on track.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

The best horoscope column of all time would just be, "Beware of being a fucking idiot and believing in horoscopes today."

[Trudacious @Trudacious]

I think it's time to fire the president of my fan club.

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

*Makes fun of Peyton Manning for throwing ducks.*

*Watches helplessly as legs fall asleep whilst sitting on toilet.*

[StuMonster @Stu_Monster]

@Sassafrantz This is MUCH closer to a perfect tweet than it will ever get credit for....