moody monday

Dentist. I like teeth.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I'm gonna put no

Me: ok

[Dr. Parik Patel, BA, CFA, ACCA Esq. @ParikPatelCFA]

Maybe it was never about the stocks but the bonds we made along the way

[Roaring Kitty @TheRoaringKitty]

https://t.co/moIXVi8M9A

[Jade Van Kley @BacklineNurse]

I like to think that if I swipe left hard enough on tinder it'll kill the guy

[Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett]

I need an outfit that seamlessly transitions from daytime to canceled evening plans.

[moody monday @mdob11]

*meets someone*
*ruins it*

[moody monday @mdob11]

Me: But baby it's cold outside
Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

[moody monday @mdob11]

Date: It's been hard opening up since my father passed aw-
Me: *sees a dog* sorry I have to go

[Randi Lawson @RandiLawson]

Please stop calling this your "journey" Linda. You are selling leggings on Facebook

[Sophia Benoit @1followernodad]

2015: making fun of man buns
2016: fascism

[moody monday @mdob11]

[making small talk at work]
What do you think about abortion?

[moody monday @mdob11]

*kicks 2016 under the fridge*

[Randi Lawson @RandiLawson]

The year is 2048. The 👨🏻 mustache man emoji has been elected president for a 2nd term

[Mandatory.com @Mandatory]

Our roundup of 30 of the funniest women on Twitter ft @Lana @albz @Lindzeta @mdob11 & more: https://t.co/Fjev6IVVW7

[moody monday @mdob11]

Don't even talk to me before I've had my [60 years pass and then I die]

[Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett]

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

[moody monday @mdob11]

Coworker: *starts a conversation*
Me: no thank you

[moody monday @mdob11]

@ruinedpicnic I want my money back