Stuff Jesus DidntSay

Random stuff I'm almost positive NEVER came out of the mouth of the Messiah. All re-tweeters get a free miracle!

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

Yes!!!
RT @LloydLegalist: When the prosperity gospel can’t even bless you with decent photoshop skills.

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

When humans aren’t around... https://t.co/L1kicNdas7

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

RT @TheBabylonBee: John Hagee Cryogenically Freezes Himself Until 2032 Blood Moons https://t.co/k6Qr2jgCGZ

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: ...what?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Me: Sure thing, Dad.

God: Give 'em the greatest knees of all time

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

Here ya go... RT @GlenBerteau:

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

Me: "Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The 1st Stone"

*Taking a quick look around, barely concealing a grin

"huh... guess that's Me"

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

"I'm afraid that a sitcom about Me (Jesus) wouldn't get past the Pilate episode."

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

DAD: How many more animals left to make?

ME: 2

DAD: And how many more legs do we have?

ME: 100

CENTIPEDE: dibs!

SNAKE: you're a jerk

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

(While inventing humans): "I'm going to make it so their favorite food kills them slowly."

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

Two thousand years ago:
"Wow, the image on this shroud, toast, tortilla, watermark, etc looks just like everyone!"

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

@LloydLegalist What's missing? An "a" and an "i".
Jesus, like Joanie, loves Chachi too.

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

It seems like people like sermons the way they like their medicated creams: topical.

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

If you desire for everybody to like you, don't be a leader...sell ice cream.

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

RT @D_Mask_Us: Pretty funny when everyone in church receives an Amber Alert at the same time.
I think some thought it was the rapture!

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

"Just heard a prayer from some parents who faithfully attend church every Xmas & Easter and are flabbergasted at their son's lack of faith"

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

"The deeply religious meaning of Easter is not lost on Me, but can I just say that I totally love spiral cut ham, you guys." #cwccs

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout.

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

"It's just another manic Maundy Thursday...cause that's my fun day..." - The Vatican Bangles
#maundythursday

[Stuff Jesus DidntSay @stuffJCdidntsay]

"It's easier to love a dirty child than a distant one."