Mitch Hedberg

💀trying to tweet from my grave since 2005. may I RIP💀

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

If I was a germ, I'd probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

@lucy_guo Check your DMs

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

Been through hell and back

Back is worse

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

If I had a dime for every time I gave someone my 2 cents I’d be a billionaire just by answering all the million dollar questions

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

Sometimes I feel like I need to take an epidural when I take a dump

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

@BoothysTweets That’s not drugs you do, those are drugs that do you

[Candace Owens @RealCandaceO]

Reading the comments from men about how pornography has ruined their lives has been extremely eye-opening.

Not all conservatives agree but I think any pornography is too much.

https://t.co/JYIFyaoKc4

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

I want patience and I want it now!

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

The key to my heart is the little one up my nose

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

I never sit. I stand on my ass.

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

What if your name is a really bad word in a different language....

[PUNS @ThePunnyWorld]

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

@Liz_Cheney @AaronParnas I'll take evil lunacy anyday over evil genius

[Ultra MAGA Joyce Day @Daytobehappy]

Derek Chauvin gets a guilty verdict for killing one man and Andrew Cuomo gets an Emmy for killing 15,000!

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

@samanthamarika1 "We did it, Joe"

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

@ADDiane Your cats outside

[Bill Queen @BillQueenComic]

The mask mandate at this bar must only apply to the employees

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

Substance abuse is a hostage situation, we let hostiles/drugs hold our brain hostage and that’s not even the saddest part..... the real pity is that we all suffer from Stockholm syndrome

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

Jesus turned water into wine and sugar into cocaine

[Mitch Hedberg @stupidityHQ]

Heard the receptionist in the ER “if this ain’t an emergency please walk out and call your shrink”