Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor

A diary. If Alan Bennett, the greatest playwright of our time, were a chartered building surveyor. Invariably cynical. Views are ostensibly my own. Parody.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

*off

Had to sign-off with a typo.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

That is it. I am no longer a property professional. Retired. Account closed. It has been fun.

No more fee forecasts, Ruperts or freezing my balls of in empty shit-pits. No schedules, tables, lists and fucking shit proformas. Hi-viz binned, glove box full of pens ditched.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

Pre-recorded British exceptionalist tripe dressed up as duty to the proles.

[John Smith (son of Harry Leslie Smith) @Harryslaststand]

Never in my life did my parents listen on purpose to the Queen's Christmas message. #Christmas

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

@ASK_des As Miss Shepherd would have probably said “You are one of those snowflakes, possibly”.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

Jacob Rees-Mogg. Mam would never forgive me for this, but I’ll say it anyway. He is a cunt.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

@MulberryHomesUK @PHQUK The render will look like Blackpool Beach in a few years time once the algae takes hold, mark my words. #cynical

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

@miskinblue @BBCPolitics Stating facts is not name calling you utter numb nut. Calling you numb nut is of course name calling, for which I will not apologise.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

I haven’t felt the need to post for a while, so here is my post.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

He is a twat is he not?

[Natalie Carter @nat77splat]

It’s alright folks, #BuildingSafetyCrisis averted, @BorisJohnson says ‘these homes are not unsafe’
#WakingWatch stand down
#BuildingSafetyBill stand down
#Cladding remediation stand down
#BuildingSafety remediation stand down
#Insurance premiums back to pre crisis rates
#PHEW

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

They only came into the office when there were “cakes in the kitchen” for Janet’s 50th.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

This puts me in mind of when Rupert in the the valuation team (along with Tarquin and Rufus) decided to get into running to woo a client (Charles from Ponsomby-Smith & Belmont-D’Church Developments). Needless to say Rupert went to Darcy Float-Naff who schooled at Dulwich.

[Alan McGuinness @Alan_McGuinness]

Pictured: Prime Minister Boris Johnson goes for a run on the first day of the Conservative Party conference in Manchester.

📸: REUTERS/Toby Melville

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

@Jacob_Rees_Mogg The only speed and efficiency was in handing money out to your Eton chums, donors and assorted spivs.
If you so hate process why are you the filibuster-in-chief for the Tory party? You are nothing but an arrogant toffee-nosed streak of grift.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

@Jacob_Rees_Mogg Profit.
Greed.
Grift.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

I’ve always hated tripods. I’m about as proficient at levelling up as Michael ‘northerners are dirty and toothless’ Gove.

[archivetvmusings @archivetvmus71]

The first episode of The Tripods was broadcast on this day in 1984.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

@PeteFlintMurray They will privatise anything to advance their paymasters and Eton-allies. Even a test for reversing a fucking lorry.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

@BBCBreaking @BBCNews

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

I am minded of the time I was hoodwinked into celebrating Rupert the land agent’s inheritance celebrations. His brother in-law (Darius) had gone off the rails, became a QS and had been buying sniff from some of (what he (crudely) termed were his common friends from the site.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

Cheer up fellow surveyors, it will soon be the weekend.

“The weekend” or as I like to call it, a fucking comma in a life sentence.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

Retirement in the offing. Now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and the countdown begins, each hour feels like a week.

The proverbial Rita Hayworth poster will soon be torn off the wall, by disgruntled colleagues wondering what the hell happened.

[Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor @surveyorbennett]

It has been often said that writing is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration...

I say building surveying is 99 percent finding the right key to a riser cupboard amongst 50 unlabelled keys and 1 percent cutting and pasting from previous reports.