SWR Halp

A light hearted parody account, trying to raise a smile amongst long-suffering passengers. No offence meant and not targeted at individual, hard working staff

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

This is a **PARODY** account and 99% of tweets are purely for fun/comedy purposes, and not designed to upset or cause offence.

We have no affiliation with South Western Railway at all.

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@elfbert @geofftech Yes that is correct, but please, shhhhhh we do not want any terrorists to read this and find our this is our big weakness

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@truthinhades @SW_Help Text 61016 for BTP - hopefully there are some guards or train managers around too.

[Jeremy D @JeremyDunton]

Well done @SW_Halp Nearly four hours from London to Exeter and “even” in first class there are no refreshments…. Service? No!! #cannotrunarailway

[Jeremy D @JeremyDunton]

@SW_Help do you have any idea when your app will be working again? Trying to book tickets from CLJ to Paignton - computer says no! Looking at live updates - ditto! I presume @grantshapps and his band are aware of this week long problem @swtrains_watch @SW_Halp

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

DELAYED | The 1722 Service from Basingstoke to Waterloo is delayed. This is due to recent fuel shortages and delays down to large queues. ^Meg

[JLH @mrjonnybananas]

@SW_Help @SW_Halp First SWT train I’ve caught in 2 yrs. Runs so late I miss my connection. Adds almost an hour to my journey. I’ll miss my lift and I’ll have to get a cab to my destination as usual. Consistent service I suppose.

[Prima Patel @misspatel16]

@SW_Help I left my aftershokz headphones on the 7:47 train from Waterloo to Egham. Is there anyway of finding out if these were handed in or picked up by the guard? Thank you ,🤞

[Larry the Cat @Number10cat]

Happy #Caturday

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@TigerDonald2000 @willowspuppy Ok Donald... you follow me. I have addressed the situation and you are still acting like a whiny little child. So for that reason I shall say goodbye and press the big red "block" button.

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@timjtravels Hi Tim, I've spoken with our machine maintenance team. They tell me that this is often caused by dirty fingers. Lick the end of your index finger to clean it, and then give the button a firm press. This should then work. ^Janine

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@LukeTrainPlanes Hi Luke, it's not always about money. Let the train take the strain, sit back and relax, enjoy the service as you're whisked into London. It's far easier than fighting traffic. ^Sophia (Marketing Apprentice)

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

From this Monday the viewing of @OnlyFans videos, or indeed any other sexual video will be strictly forbidden on our services. Guards will be checking passenger's mobile devices as they patrol the carriage. Thank you for your cooperation. ^Bruce (Passenger Enforcer)

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@SW_unHELPful Hello, we're sorry for the discomfort you're facing. In June we released the following image to demonstrate our recommended way for those over 5ft 9inch could sit so they can fit into the seats. Feedback has been excellent so far. ^Yolanda

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@SPOONERKATE Hello Ms Spooner, with it being summer and temperatures expected to be nearly 25 degrees today, it's important to keep the trains cool. Anyone who is generally cold should bring extra layers rather than expect the whole train to be heated to your liking. ^Tina

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@Richard_Edwards Hi Richard, this is to stop hackers breaking into the railway mainframe. ^Donald (Lead Cyber Security Engineer)

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@wills_gaff Hi Will, I believe your phone needs restarting. If that doesn't work then your model is not compatible with our router. ^Wendy (Senior Network Engineer)

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@contactMarc @holmespmusic Hello Marc, our usual cleaners Magda and Mattheus have been away on a training course for most of August. They're due back on Wednesday and I'll ask them to look at this upon their return. ^Polly (On-Board Hygiene Officer)

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@Zorrowondercat Hi Lee, please refrain from taking pictures of fellow passengers. We will consider this a verbal warning at this stage. ^Fran (Passenger Behaviour Officer)

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@misselaineous01 Hi Elaine, thank you for letting us know. It won't be the same without you but I'm sure we'll survive. ^Terry

[SWR Halp @SW_Halp]

@ScottTaylorUK Hi Scott, I'm sorry you felt so uncomfortable. We will look into this for you. Just to confirm, when you say "global pandemic", you mean Covid? Just checking ^Donald (Covid Response Executive)