Benjamin Thomas Swash

I do stuff then tell people about all the stuff that I did

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees.

$30 per seat per month.

$1.4 million annually.

I called it "digital transformation."

The board loved that phrase.

They approved it in eleven minutes.

No one asked what it would actually do.

Including me.

I told everyone it would "10x productivity."

That's not a real number.

But it sounds like one.

HR asked how we'd measure the 10x.

I said we'd "leverage analytics dashboards."

They stopped asking.

Three months later I checked the usage reports.

47 people had opened it.

12 had used it more than once.

One of them was me.

I used it to summarize an email I could have read in 30 seconds.

It took 45 seconds.

Plus the time it took to fix the hallucinations.

But I called it a "pilot success."

Success means the pilot didn't visibly fail.

The CFO asked about ROI.

I showed him a graph.

The graph went up and to the right.

It measured "AI enablement."

I made that metric up.

He nodded approvingly.

We're "AI-enabled" now.

I don't know what that means.

But it's in our investor deck.

A senior developer asked why we didn't use Claude or ChatGPT.

I said we needed "enterprise-grade security."

He asked what that meant.

I said "compliance."

He asked which compliance.

I said "all of them."

He looked skeptical.

I scheduled him for a "career development conversation."

He stopped asking questions.

Microsoft sent a case study team.

They wanted to feature us as a success story.

I told them we "saved 40,000 hours."

I calculated that number by multiplying employees by a number I made up.

They didn't verify it.

They never do.

Now we're on Microsoft's website.

"Global enterprise achieves 40,000 hours of productivity gains with Copilot."

The CEO shared it on LinkedIn.

He got 3,000 likes.

He's never used Copilot.

None of the executives have.

We have an exemption.

"Strategic focus requires minimal digital distraction."

I wrote that policy.

The licenses renew next month.

I'm requesting an expansion.

5,000 more seats.

We haven't used the first 4,000.

But this time we'll "drive adoption."

Adoption means mandatory training.

Training means a 45-minute webinar no one watches.

But completion will be tracked.

Completion is a metric.

Metrics go in dashboards.

Dashboards go in board presentations.

Board presentations get me promoted.

I'll be SVP by Q3.

I still don't know what Copilot does.

But I know what it's for.

It's for showing we're "investing in AI."

Investment means spending.

Spending means commitment.

Commitment means we're serious about the future.

The future is whatever I say it is.

As long as the graph goes up and to the right.

[AllAboutLeagueOne @LeagueOne25]

1,318 AFC Wimbledon fans at Peterborough United yesterday 👏

Terrific dedication from all fans that travelled despite the 5-0 loss

Credit to you all

#AFCW #pufc

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@wombelle @johngreen He doesn't use X anymore he uses blue-sky

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@TheLeonKearney

Andy Crosbys SUPER WHITE ARMY!

[Wirral Phoenix FC @WirralPhoenix]

🌟Win a Signed Luis Diaz Liverpool Shirt!🌟🔴📣

For just £5 enter our Wirral phoenix raffle and get a chance to own a hand-signed Luis Diaz Liverpool shirt, complete with a certificate of authenticity! All entries go into a live Spin the Wheel raffle event, streamed on our page.

[Wirral Phoenix Score Updates @PhoenixScores]

FULLTIME

@WirralPhoenix 5- 1 Wigan

Incredible second half performance from https://t.co/JJVwam8VV9 45 minutes of football we've seen from the girls.

SCORERS
Clausen ⚽️
O'Brien ⚽️
Jowlett ⚽️
Talia ⚽️
Tebb ⚽️

ASSISTS
Clausen 🅰️🅰️🅰️
Tebb 🅰️

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@AFCWimbledon Is it still possible to get a ticket for tonight's match?

[Wirral Phoenix FC @WirralPhoenix]

RESULT

@MFCWomen 2-9 Wirral Phoenix

Victory in our first outing in the @nwwrfl against a strong side in Macclesfield.

GOALS
Clausen ⚽️ ⚽️
Tebby ⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️
Holmes ⚽️
Davo ⚽️
Morrison ⚽️

ASSISTS
Morrison 🅰️🅰️
Clausen 🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️
Holmes 🅰️
Tebby 🅰️

MOTM: Charlotte Costello

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

About to get under way in our final match of the season in beautiful conditions.

Gold Cup Final for @LiverpoolWYFL

Follow along for live updates

[Wirral Phoenix FC @WirralPhoenix]

Penalties

PHOENIX
⚽️ Clausen
⚽️ Morrison
⚽️ Temporal
⚽️ O'Brien

MSB Woolton
⚽️ Goal
❌️SAVE BY RUTTER
⚽️ Goal
❌️WIDE

Phoenix win and progress to the final.

Thanks again to @MSBWooltonWomen for giving us one hell of a game and pushing us to the final kick.

[AFC Wimbledon @AFCWimbledon]

🫶 @sportswithjohn sums up what being a Wimbledon fan is all about.

#AFCW 🟡🔵

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@RadioX No2 is definitely Friday I'm in Love by The Cure

[Wirral Phoenix FC @WirralPhoenix]

LWYFL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 23/24 - WIRRAL PHOENIX 💫🏆⚽️❤️

The Phoenix Rises.🔥

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@Barfieboy14 would love to see a Tranmere Rovers RTG series

ST Harvey Saunders is the fastest player in League 2 on the game

LB James Norris has the highest potential of any player in L2 and will take you to9 the Champions League

& Loanee Rob Apter is a magician on the wing

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@I_amMukhtar What you been using your monzo card on lad

[Tranmere Rovers FC @TranmereRovers]

🎁 COMPETITION TIME!

Get your hands on the one and only #McGee2025 top signed by the man himself.

All you have to do is Like and RT this tweet and follow @tranmererovers.

Winner announced Monday.

#TRFC #SWA

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@cwhiteman92 Dinner party is more hilarious than cringe.

People seriously underrate how cringe the original Christmas Party episode is (S2E10) when they do bad santa

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@pimpwinneche AWP Neo Noir

[Benjamin Thomas Swash @swashski]

@ohnePixel Just unboxed this. Can I get a valuation?

Stiletto Knife Doppler
Float: 0.0064
Pattern: 993