Calli Whaley🐳

Writer. Cat whisperer. Food fan. Ohio University alumna. She/her. My priorities aren’t straight, but neither am I. 🏳️‍🌈

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

“I’m not trash, I’m compost.”

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

Customer cashing out his $20 tab: “Do you know who Rutherford B Hayes was?”
Me, the bartender: “Yeah, a former president.”
Customer: *hands me a $1 Rutherford B Hayes coin as the only tip for his $20 tab*
Me: *stares in confusion and disgust* “oh thanks.”

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

Me: “The best movie is totally subjective.”
Other person: “I’ve never heard of that one.”

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

“Oh snap, it’s tornader season. We’re going on a ‘nader hunt.”

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

@SydneyCrain Love this glow up for us lol

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

@skylanderrr @twink_tink Thank you!!!

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

I almost forgot to post it on here, but almost 2 weeks ago, my favorite person said, “Yes, duh,” when I asked her to marry me. Here I was thinking there’s no way I could be any happier, but I was proven wrong. New achievement unlocked: get a fiancée ✅❤️

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

“I swallowed it whole. Is that what you’re supposed to do?” @twink_tink taking a Jell-O shot for the first time.

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

“She just dressed like a farmer, which I guess is androgyny.”

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

The epitome of my androgyny is when I sing both parts perfectly of the Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge.

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

In high school I was a straightedge Christian girl, now I’m a lesbian who dyes her hair and works at a brewery. Talk about character development.

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

I love love love when people recognize me by or talk about how they love my tattoos. Like yes, please tell me how cool I am and how pretty this artwork is. Thanks.

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

My girlfriend is a genius, but I’m still the funny one. Sorry bro

[carissa @twink_tink]

is a group of ferns called an orgy? cause there’s a lot of fernication

[carissa @twink_tink]

is a group of ferns called an orgy? cause there’s a lot of fernication

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

I made a barista belly laugh today. So yeah, it’s a great day.

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

@e_m_a_i_t_c_h YES WE DO

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

Today marks one whole year since I found my soulmate on bumble and we started talking. And here we are now, having a great time, super in love, a proposal on the near horizon. Life is good. ☺️

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

@thelifeofari__ Love you!!!

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

@skylanderrr Thank you! ❤️

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

@bdwells Thank you! ❤️🥹

[Calli Whaley🐳 @Swishweezy]

@thelifeofari__ Saaaaame. She picked hers out. And you know we both have to have our moment, so I picked one out for her to propose to me too.