t

[☕︎ @peskyteen]

i’m too stupid to commit suicide id probably just end up paralyzed

[. @Fimiye]

even at my worst i’m still fucking considerate

[ع @pyari_eyesha]

Talking to parents about mental health is like discussing Feminism with Taliban

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.

Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.

I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."

"They just come with the table, man."

They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.

This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.

I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.

"Did we…?"

"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."

Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.

My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."

Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.

I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.

Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.

I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.

Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

[John Slaughter, Esq. @JSlaughterEsq]

A couple of Germans on a road trip have done more to inspire patriotism ahead of America’s 250th anniversary than the entirety of the U.S. government.

[Softboy @softboywin]

I’m deleting Apple Maps that shit be tryna take you to the cartel

[Still Real To Us @stillreal2us]

Alien: *crying*

Me: “so that was Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair at WrestleMania 24”

[squeaky fromme the block @averpee]

You know you posted good when you get hit with one of these

[The Lesbian Pervert @babyknifespice]

finally some discourse I can get behind

[nata @lo0do0p]

men will hesitate to ask u out but have no problem asking to fuck raw

[Rivers Hughey @RivsHughey]

Wait until they get to the part where we sacrifice a pop-tart

[Zach Bollinger @zachbollinger18]

My grandfather had Babe Ruth.

My father had Barry Bonds.

I have Bark at The Park Night Jackson Holliday.

[fluttershy @hwrtyed]

i will serve cunt again just give me a minute

[Louis @HoopsTalk13]

Freddy after 1 week in the US lol

[suri @suricidal]

speaking of old nba tweets this is still the greatest

[jess @abolish_jess]

anesthesiologist i matched with hasn’t responded all day

[nazzo @nazzobetweeting]

they’re gonna be way nicer about us being fat after tasting how good our food is 😂

[Jennifer Begakis @jenbegakis]

europeans are gonna be smuggling bottles of ranch and packets of taco bell fire sauce on their flights back home.

[🇺🇸 The American Culturist 🇺🇸 @MericaCulture]

A German visiting Auburn, Alabama, to watch Lionel Messi and Argentina play Iceland stopped at a Buc-ee's and ate brisket sandwiches on a stack of deer feeder corn.

A sentence never before uttered in all of human history.

[Louis @HoopsTalk13]

I’m telling my kids this is Christopher Columbus.