jess ❤️‍🩹

perfect idiot - knows nothing

[human aaron @humanaaron]

[ 90s informercial ]

sales guy: everyone knows that cutting a tomato is the true test of a sharp knife Susan

10 year old me: yeah everyone knows that Susan you stupid bitch

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

My life is just like a Disney movie, one time I ate spaghetti in an alley

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

this is what i imagine dealing with an HOA is like

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

I think the scariest alien scenario ever would be if they came to earth, didn’t talk to humans, communicated with something in the ocean for a few days and then just left

[dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch]

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon's haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

[Skoog @Skoog]

nfl draft this. nfl draft that. how bout you sit down and DRAFT a text to a buddy you haven’t talked to in awhile. tell him you love him. that you’re proud of the the life he’s built for himself. that you saw the pic of his new house and the lawn looks damn good.

[Karli Marulli @karlimarulli]

wes anderson when children arent being peculiar

[*sigh*clops @aotakeo]

Can we stop screwing around and just frost the whole pop tart? We have the technology

[the hype @TheHyyyype]

on my "scram" shit. on my "beat it, kid" shit

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

This account is now sponsored by the Woods™.

The Woods™: "Go ahead and go in 'em. Don't even...don't even worry about it."

[miss information დ @rugbrat69]

she’s just like me fr

[depths of wikipedia! @depthsofwiki]

we need to bring this back

[Patrick Lyons @p_lyons_]

couldn’t unhear it so i had to do this