Tani caesar

in australia a ‘twit’ is an insult…

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Didn’t realise I don’t need to read dystopian fiction anymore because I can just turn on the news

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

“What did you do…”
See I think a better question is ‘what could I have done but chose not to do’

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Me: “phew, I’m so relieved I got that off my chest”
The room of people: confused, hyperventilating, booking in for a doctors appointment

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Your ducks? In a row, all the same breed, following along. Boring.

My ducks? Every breed there is, some are mating and creating new species, it’s complete and utter chaos, but they have a strong leader with a master plan to make a symphony of a duck paradise. Exciting.

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Sharks are older than the North Star. 450mil years sharks evolved. Polaris (north star) is aprox. 67mil years old. I am so unsettled about this. Stay tuned for more facts that keep me up at night.

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Furthermore, why do we still do court drawings? They are horrible, take a photo bro.

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Why do lawyers need me to sign in pen? I had learnt both my mum and dads signatures by the time I was 10. Explain to me how a digital signature is inferior?

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

If you cry into your soup, it just adds flavour. Stay tuned for more Monday morning tips

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Alternative ways to sign off on an email:
‘Moderately unkind regards’
‘Screaming into the void’
‘We ride at dawn’
‘May we remember we are mortal’

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

WHERE IS SARAH TONIN, HER SHIFT STARTED HOURS AGO

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Your honour, the sun is going to eventually explode and the andromeda galaxy will collide with ours at roughly the same time. Therefore, is it really that deep?

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

‘The floor is lava’ everyone in Pompeii and Herculaneum 79CE

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

‘I ain’t drunk enough to do dat’
*slams 4 shots*
‘OK WHO’S KEEN FOR ARSON?’

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Adulthood is a pyramid scheme

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

The feelings are lava

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

My therapist: you’re not Thomas Shelby
Me: I am my own revolution

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

I asked a guy who had a statue of Marcus Aurelius in his house, how often he thinks about the Roman Empire. He said never. I left.

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

And thus, tis is what tis is

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Sorry I was crying earlier, I’m funny again now

[Tani caesar @tani_caesar]

Adulthood - day 4,274: I put dishwashing liquid in the dishwasher. To clean dishes in which the dishwasher ‘allegedly’ does. Upon awaking, The entire kitchen was covered in bubbles. Apparently you cannot put DISHWASHING liquid into a DISHWASHER. I do not understand this existence