Ted Hughes (RIP)

Fear me for I am a resplendent, brooding, corduroy-clad poetry God.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Bagging up some prize dung for Scarborough’s online pickle market when I trip over my own eyebrow hair. Now swelling abundantly, my musky locks will be worth multiple guineas to Chinese. I believe.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Sylvia’s lockdown Campari-fuelled kettle bell swinging has left Badger (my pet badger I keep in the scullery) with PTSD. Not so much the swinging more the Neil Diamond she plays full blast.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Calf skin driving gloves - on ✅ Jag purring nicely ✅ Sylvia finds massive sunglasses ✅ Scotch eggs packed ✅ next stop Barnard Castle.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Campari for Sylvia, a bag of onion biscuits for me and we’re off for the last pickle hunt at Barnsley Pickle Hunt Fair. There’s only been one - bad timing.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

My antimask has a luxury paisley liner with a corduroy outer in dijon mustard yellow. Tortoiseshell straps fix across my full, resplendent ears. Leaving only my piercing, noble eyes to confront my Asda delivery driver (Keith) today. Keith not as impressed as I’d hoped.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Since lockdown I have been sheltering in a leaky jag under an awning originally made for a Morecambe and Wise outside broadcast from the 80’s. Meanwhile Sylvia lives in a Travelodge in Northenden. More soon.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

And I return. Stronger, leaner. With eyebrows you could stand a pony on. With underpants reeking of pheromones such that would send the Kardashians racing for a cold bath. The world needs a couplet. Lock and load. I’m back.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

@blablafishcakes Sweet Jesus I’m Magnificent. Aqua marine trunks now available on eBay.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Spent Tuesday at Knowlsly Safari Park on Sylvia’s instruction that I should ‘get out of the valley more’. Jag now lacking a wing mirror on account of a randy Mandrill.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Delighted to announce my new range of poetry snow domes with photos of ME in 4 magestic poses. Stoic Ted, whimsical Ted, sublime Ted and bedtime Ted (one for the ladies). All come with a free corduroy magnet. Sylvia not featured.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Eyebrows abundant. Check.
Pheromones flying. Check.
Jag gleaming like a sweaty porpoise. Check.
Cleckheaton young farmers association poetry competition winners’ dinner after speech. Nailed.
Tomorrow. Barnsley.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

There I am in Scarborough doing some intricate brass rubbbing waxing lyrical like a more intelligent Melvyn Bragg whilst my mate Seamus (Heaney) necks dubonnet, chucks cheese puffs at seagulls and carps on about Brexit. This was supposed to be a CITY BREAK.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me! Sylvia! Double portions of pineapple roulade for ME. I’m a frisky fruity fifty (and a little bit) and I’m feeling dope.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

This is my keeping-it-real-as-a-rural-poet-on-the-southbank look. Christ I’m gorgeous.

[Great Poets @GreatPoets_14]

Ted Hughes : Poet par excellence
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[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Poet’s log day 25. Life a relentless 19 degree sun-bleached hell. Moss dying. Tourists smiling. Villagers wearing “shorts��. Still I refuse underarm deodorant. Sylvia moved out.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

How I miss the beast from the east. Drenched in sweat with a portable fan trained on my abundant neather regions I only feel pity for those south of the Halifax border.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

A day spent wresting with a tent pole in the 19 degree heat. ‘On vacation’ as Sylvia likes to say. Tomorrow, a visit to York Viking museum and a cold bath.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

Heat. How I long for freezing, slanting rain, a mouldy garage and the ever present threat of a flood I had as a youth. Such torment is the sun.

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

I saw a lamb. It looked familiar. It looked at me. Nothing happened. #boringpoetry

[Ted Hughes (RIP) @teds_dead]

@DLeeHeff I do love an agonised tractor. Keep at it.