CRQR

[Matt Post @MattPostSaysHi]

Imagine your card declines at church and they send you to hell

[Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson]

It’s well known: What flat-Earthers fear most is Sphere itself

[CRQR @thatladytalking]

@RitaMarrafadeC

[CRQR @thatladytalking]

@SaraStarbuck

[Ricky Gervais @rickygervais]

The best thing about making a snowperson is using a massive carrot for her cock.

[Guardian news @guardiannews]

Unilever stockpiles Magnum ice-cream in case of no-deal Brexit https://t.co/GG0uhup4QX

[CRQR @thatladytalking]

@SaraStarbuck It’s not, but there’s absolutely no need for that kind of reaction.

[CRQR @thatladytalking]

@SaraStarbuck

[𝐁𝐞𝐧 𝐂𝐚𝐡𝐧 @Buncahn]

If you go to the movies, you need to shut the fuck up.

Is the movie on? Yes? Then shut the fuck up during the movie.

Is it a quiet scene? Then shut the fuck up.

Is it a loud scene? Still shut the fuck up.

If you go to the movies, you need to shut the fuck up.

[CRQR @thatladytalking]

@joanasevilha

[David Baddiel @Baddiel]

.@JW3 tonight Devorah Baum told a joke about how a survivor dies, goes to heaven, tells God a Holocaust joke. God says: that's not funny. The survivor says: Ah, well - I guess you had to be there.
That's a beautiful joke. Because, of course, He wasn't.

[BBC Three @bbcthree]

Here we go.

[David Walliams HQ @davidwalliams]

A sneak peak at me and Matt's brand new 'Little Britain' characters.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Do these jeans make my ass look existent?

[The Independent @Independent]

Theresa May calls for snap general election https://t.co/mb2T3QS3r7

[Olaf Falafel @OFalafel]

Sean Connery's pet dog Sue gets confused when he calls her.

[The Independent @Independent]

Carrie Fisher will be in Star Wars 9 https://t.co/ZfigiS5hSj

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

I can’t believe peace talks fell through between the communist leaders of North Korea and the former head of Exxon.