Lucas Jolson

Comedian on demand. Tweet me where you'd like me to gig and I'll show up there. Opinions are my own... except for retweets, which are clearly somebody else's.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

Today working in a call centre I had a customer fail the security questions so badly they started to question their own identity.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

I checked inside. These M&S grapes are not actual size.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

Ah yes #edfringe the time of year I pretend to know where Leith is.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

Is the opposite of a house pet a carpet?

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

Fuck. Scrolled too far on twitter and now everyone's optimisitic.

[Sophie Henderson @sophendo]

I have aged 40 years since 8pm and now live in a retirement village in Milton Keynes.

[Jacob Hawley @hawleyjacob]

How is anyone supposed to sleep

[Grassroots Coach @GrassrootsCoac5]

Split the kids into two teams this morning and we played England vs Italy. If that’s anything to go by we can expect a 7-6 England win with a 20 minute break in play whilst the referee demonstrates free kicks.

[Glenn Moore (Insta: @glennrogermoore) @TheNewsAtGlenn]

Watching the coverage from 7 cos I’m keen to see Gazza’s miss as many times as I’ve seen Batman’s parents die

[Ian Smith @Iansmithcomedy]

Let's not forget the foundations Sam Allardyce put in place to make this all possible.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

Really looking forward to getting my PS5 in 2046. With any luck they'll be easy to get a hold of by then.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

I say advertising doesn't work on me. But I did order Pizza Hut after Southgate's victory. So maybe it does work, it just has a 25 year sales cycle.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

Quiz time. Without clicking through, guess the pairing.

[Why don't you Jake a Pickford it'll last longer @jakepickford]

@JamesHarrisNow I honestly think those two make Gerard and Lampard look like French and Saunders.

[OCP @kingoftheducks]

Think I got given the wrong jab.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

@kingoftheducks Interesting. Do you think we're in dystopia now? Or just a record breaking interval?

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

@kingoftheducks @indy100 Hmmmmm

[matty hutson @MattHutson]

england official euro 2020 song [2021]

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

I find plasters come in two varieties.

1) This won't stick to my skin.
2) Here, have a free waxing session.

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

Did anyone else missread this as London Euston to London Liverpool Street and nearly shit out a kidney?

[haz @sozhaz]

nationalise the trains rn

[Lucas Jolson @ThatLucasJolson]

@charlottesteggz Amazing. No matter the LinkedIn conversation, people need to challenge the level of 'experience'.

[Charlotte Steggz 🦖👩🏼‍🏫 @charlottesteggz]

I love LinkedIn sometimes.