Ren

I tweet. I eat. I poop. I throat punch. I tweet. I poop. Not necessarily in that order but who's really keeping track.

[Ren @the_ren]

My FitBit's notifications are hilarious.
"Up for 230 steps?" 😐
No. But I am up for 230 tacos.

[Ren @the_ren]

There's nothing more exciting than finishing a book and deciding what to read next.

[Ren @the_ren]

You know, at what point does my dog go "I've smelled this same exact pole 7,373,003 times. I don't need to sniff it anymore."

Never. The answer is never.

[Ren @the_ren]

@JaceFuse Oh no, I am going to read the shit out of them. THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!

[Ren @the_ren]

Cheese and fucking crackers! I just spent $80 on three books. Who do I think I am? Oprah?!

[Ren @the_ren]

'Nauseous' is one of those words that I cannot for the fucking life of me spell without autocorrect.

[Ren @the_ren]

Any woman ever:
"I have a secret"
"Guess what?"
"I have a surprise"
"I stubbed my toe"

EVERYONE:
"You're pregnant!"

🙄

[Ren @the_ren]

Nothing pisses me off more than seeing a man blissfully running at night. So ignorantly unaware of how safe it is for y'all to do that when it's dark out or in general really.

[Ren @the_ren]

A little over 16 months... for my son to find and grab his peepee and balls.

[Ren @the_ren]

Today at the park, some lady told me he has a "corgi face." Well! Little does she know he's a full blooded potato.

[Ren @the_ren]

I think I'm subconsciously trying to break my toe. I keep stubbing the same damn toe off of every-fucking-thing.

[Ren @the_ren]

We traded SJP's boobs for her legs in #hocuspocus2

[Ren @the_ren]

Every time I go thru my wardrobe trying to decide what to wear:

Should I wear this black t-shirt or this black t-shirt?

[Ren @the_ren]

Watched a few episodes of Dahmer last night. Added new worries to my ever growing list on raising my son.

1) Raise him to not become a cannibalistic serial killer
2) Raise him to not get eaten/murdered by a cannibalistic serial killer.

[Ren @the_ren]

Just told my son he couldn't have graham crackers for breakfast when he saw the box. I said this as I was stuffing a brownie in my my mouth. Good thing he's still just a dumb baby.

[Ren @the_ren]

Here's what's making me irrationally angry at the moment: .
I CAN'T FIND MY FUCKING BOOK!

[Ren @the_ren]

Since having a son I've been trying real hard to not swear and replacing all swear words with "cheese and crackers." But lately I just find myself saying "cheese and fucking crackers" instead. As you can tell I'm doing real good so far. 👍

[Ren @the_ren]

SO. FUCKING. EXCITED. NIPS. ARE. HARD. EXCITED.

[Ren @the_ren]

Two things get me excited before work in the morning;

1.) Coffee
2.) Putting my calf compression stockings on perfectly so my legs feel amazing

#tellmeyouragewithouttellingmeyourage

[Ren @the_ren]

If you don't annunciate each syllable separately in Idaho so when you pronounce it it's I-DA-HO then we can't be friends.

[Ren @the_ren]

I'm not even hungry but here I am crushing some goldfish because I can.