Mary Rodriguez

Being asked to sum up my existence in a short bio makes me feel really mortal...

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

It’s been so long since I was on Twitter that I was actually surprised when I guessed the correct email/password.

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

One of the requirements to be a juror is that you’re “of sound mind and good moral character.” If I tell them I’m of bad moral character, that will either be true or a lie... which would make me of bad moral character. Either way, no jury duty! #brilliant

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Does anyone want to pretend to get engaged at Panera so we can get lots of free food? https://t.co/shbXvJgE2Y

[Panera Bread @panerabread]

Love is in the air. This Valentine’s Day, get engaged at a Panera and we might cater your wedding, for free. #PaneraProposalSweeps https://t.co/mpL5VbjSOd

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Badly want to reply “unsubscribe” to a group thread that’s really annoying me. #ReplyAll

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Argh why couldn’t we have named ourselves the American United States so we could march at the beginning? #OlympicGames #OlympicOpeningCeremony

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

I don’t make threats. I tell the future.

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

#Sister has an ex named Edward and a new boyfriend named Jacob. I know enough to know that the Twilight jokes are gonna flow very freely around here for a while.

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Why are they called navy beans if they’re white and not... navy?

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Usually in order to catch something, you have to go faster... but when it comes to catching your breath, it’s the opposite. #why Also, catching a cold... what’s up with that?

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

#wait how do they do quality control tests on pet food?

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Why is it called a haircut and not a hairScut? You’re not just cutting one hair. (If I’m gonna wake up at 6:40 on a Saturday and not be able to go back to sleep, this is what will occur to me.)

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Saw a four year old crying today, but I didn’t know what to do so I just told him “hang in there, kid.”

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

I can’t see the back of my head, but I’m pretty sure you can tell what kind of morning I had from the quality of braid that ends up back there. #TGIF

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

@aimeguadalupee_ You so right!

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

@TheRealStanLee is in the hospital. If he dies I wonder if I’ll qualify for bereavement leave.

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Thought about giving up caffeine for #Lent , but also want to give up murder for Lent.

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

If someone could make a video cut of the #SOTU address that just cuts out the applause, that’d be great

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

#tfw you change into pajamas but then realize you have to put on real clothes again

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

#IConfess I like to put things on my to do list that I’ve preset done just so I can cross them out and feel productive.

[Mary Rodriguez @thebatmary]

Me: I notice that you have the Oregon Trail bookmarked on your internet. Her reply: