The Fake Lantern

The Fake Student Voice Of The Ohio State University

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Michigan officially receives 2025 playoff ban.

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Ohio State continues recent dominance over Michigan, winning 9th of last 13 matchups and 16th of last 21.

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ESPN excitedly announces Ryan Day first coach to defeat Black and Asian coach in national championship

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Correction: we keep seeing a stat referring to Ohio State's 5 top-5 wins; Ohio State also defeated #2 Ohio State on 11/30/24 for 6 total top-5 wins.

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For fans clamoring to purchase an Ohio State jersey to commemorate the school's greatest team, yes the women's hockey alternate jerseys are available:

https://t.co/MBIQ7C2l2B

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God admits He actually did help Notre Dame a bit but Ohio State that good

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Shane Gillis admits faith tested after fake advertisement prayer did not yield God's favor

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Ryan Day's brother takes a deep breath, wondering if this coaching decision would really be believable, before deciding and typing the directive: "kick a field goal."

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Ryan Day's brother turns off the flickering TV in his dark office then turns his attention to his OSU sleeper agent control board. He switches off "QE," takes a drag from his victory cigar, then brushes off dust covering "MF." A single green light begins to blink in the darkness.

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Jeremiah Smith declares for 2027 NFL draft

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Ryan Day confirms: "I know where Lou Holtz is at this time"

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Notre Dame lobbies for teams not in any conference to get 4 byes next time

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Ohio State lobbies for further CFP expansion, would like to try it as 16 seed

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- Never wore the sexy black outfits and only wore the cute gray sleeves once
- Re-enacted January 6 riot on wrong day, November 30
- Wouldn't have won playoff if playoff had different rule that said Ohio State not allowed in playoff

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Postmortem: Recapping what went wrong in Ohio State’s failed 2024 season:

- Underpaid roster compared to inferior teams Oregon and Texas
- Coach fired and re-hired 3 different times
- Winless against SEC during regular season

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- Did you know Kirk Herbstreit had a dog, but then, it died
- Failed to pass major healthcare or immigration reform
- Hypothetically lost to Bama twice
- Only beat teams ranked 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8 in final CFP ranking, failed to beat #2 (SEC) or arguably best team: #6 Ohio State

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Ohio State wins 9th national championship, overcoming earlier devastating loss to main B1G rival Oregon

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Ohio State fires Ryan Day

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Pope beginning to regret taking the points