steph fernandez

copywriter and video game consumer. occasional anthropologist. likes big dogs, the gym, and craft beer. @kentremendous stan. views my own. they/them.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Stop using ChatGPT to break down tasks! Just text your friend's husband*, who will help you break your goal into smaller, more manageable tasks.

*this cannot be a cishet man. This must be a queer man married to a femme.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

The reason why Wayward by Mae Martin is unrealistic is because a transmasc would never have a dog that's not a rescue bully, so like... what is the truth?

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

One of the things that I love best about working where I do is that people come up to me at in-person events and say, "I recognise your pets from the Slack channel, we're bully friends!" and then we get to talk about our dogs for ages.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Making small talk at work is about asking people important questions, like, "Which layer of hell do you think you're going to?", and "Do you think we should have therapists at work events, like on Love Island?", and "Which childhood trauma turned you into a high performer?", and

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Imagine hating me, and I'm just in bed, listening to my dogs fart and doing the crossword.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

On hold with @currys, and they're playing The Lazy Song, like yes, I know you don't feel like picking up the phone.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Everyone always talk about being a girl with a boy dog, but what about being a masc with two girl dogs? It's like being a part of the popular girl gang in high school, where you get to giggle with the girlies, and have sleepovers, and hang out, and watch movies.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Sometimes, you just have to cry for fifteen minutes, and then clean yourself up to talk to the guy who's come to look at your walls.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Maybe I don't get to spend the rest of my life with you, but you got to spend all of yours with me. Happy birthday, cousin. I will love you forever.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Eric Bachmann: "I would change for you, but babe, that doesn't going to be a better man."
Me:

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Jed's vows were lifted from a country song?! Make it stop. #loveisblindUK2

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

My quality of life has increased tenfold by having a freezer that actually works.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

I'm going to need Ziwe to sit down with Hayden and get actual answers like, "Is Willoughby Tucker dead?" and "How did he die?" and "What did he overdose on?" and "When did that happen, was it before Ethel?" and "How did Ethel find out?" and "Are they finally together now?" and

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

I need it.

[zoë @zoeloveshouses]

the last living client of frank lloyd wright, roland reisley, is 101 and has lived in his flw house for 73 years. this quote from him about it made me cry

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

The good news is that my dogs have decided to be incredibly nice to each other.

The bad news is that they've decided to be absolutely horrible to me.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

"A child cannot help but love his father. No matter who he is, or what he does... or doesn't do."

Honestly, just lobotomise me, at this point. #SandmanS2

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Me:

[Unhinged AO3 tags🪦🕊️ @unhingedA03]

ITS FLUFFY AND SHORT AND GAY

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

In 2010, a friend of mine from Dubai said, "I'm too pretty to die jihad.", and I've thought of that every single day since then.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Someone invent a preworkout that comes in chewing gum form.

[steph fernandez @thefirststeph]

Masc Discord groups genuinely can't be real, because why did I have to tell a masc that they can't wear boxers to the gym...