Jumi James

I decode the patterns behind people pleasing. Teaching you to understand your conditioning and reclaim your self-worth.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

Everybody seeks validation

You are not weak for craving it because you are designed to need it

Here are 8 sources of validation to plug in to without destroying your self-worth;

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

Unpopular opinion: People-pleasing is not a personality flaw.

Your body developed people-pleasing the same way it developed fight or flight.

It's an adaptive response that has kept you safe.

Before you try to change it, appreciate that your nervous system was protecting you

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@recovery_your When you care but you are too depleted to show it. Needing connection but unable to maintain it. Tough to go through, but preemptive communication helps.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

7 simple activities will significantly improve your quality of life:

-long walks
-heavy lifting
-reading aloud
-5mins daily silence
-cleaning your space
-cooking simple meals

These will regulate your hormones, help you cultivate a better self-image and strengthen your spirit.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

If you repress your feelings of aggression, you will project it on others, making them seem more dangerous than they truly are

You will fear them, and it will block authentic connection and shut down your ability to say no.

You need constructive outlets to let out aggression.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@EmbodimentwithK Very well said. The most loving thing you can do for someone is to not interrupt their process.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@FredC919 Nice addition, Fred. Your response touches on how people-pleasing can be an effective protective mechanism.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

Unpopular opinion: People-pleasing happens for you because your body is trying to protect you

When you are faced with danger, your body can decide to either 1) fight or 2) flee.

But your body can also 3)fawn or people-please, which is a protective response.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

Your nervous system should run homeostasis (rest/digest/repair)

If you are a people-pleaser, your nervous system will run in defensive mode instead, meaning you will monitor for threats and keep calculating how to keep people comfortable

Inducing safety cues will regulate you.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

You hate yourself for people-pleasing.

You should appreciate that your body developed this response to protect you, the same way you would appreciate your body for running from danger.

Appreciating what your body did to survive is the only way you can get the change you want.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

You need to develop the ability to say NO with the same pleasant attitude you have when you say yes

Saying no does not have to feel combative or scary if you embody the feelings you have when you agree with people

You can say no and still get positive outcomes.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

The most important skill you can learn is self-regulation.

If you don't know how to self-regulate, you will exist in constant threat mode, which cuts off access to parts of your brain and sabotages clear thinking.

This can cripple the possibility of having a great life.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@VitallyMelanie It brings me incredible satisfaction to be able to function throughout my day, lift stuff like it's nothing. This feeling matters regardless of age. Being strong in your body changes how you move through life.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@AvantPrince_ Every leader in history, whether psychopathic or benevolent, has had an unshakeable internal conviction that turned the external in their favour.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

Nice people think they lack willpower. Wrong.

Person A - nervous system in threat
Person B - nervous system in safety

PersonA can't just set boundaries because their body thinks people are unsafe

Person A needs small repeated experiences of safety coregulation with others.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@BonesawMD My turning point was when I stopped providing updates on my socials. It is easy to sleepwalk through your life and lose years to all the curating and clowning for people and for what? I truly started doing life when I stopped all that. Forever changed how I view validation.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@EgoDriv I think people who say they are spiritual but not religious have religious trauma. They still want the transcendence that spirituality offers but they don't want it within the structure of organised religion. Can be narcissistic since you are cherry-picking pleasant parts only.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@FredC919 💯With shared values you have a solid foundation with them. You will weather changes together that dissolve most relationships

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@FredC919 A person with high integrity but low self-worth will eventually compromise because they don't believe they deserve good outcomes. A healthy self-love with high integrity means they know their worth and act accordingly

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@FredC919 Thank you!

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

In polyvagal theory, you move between 3 states based on how safe you feel-

1)ventral vagal
2)sympathetic
3)dorsal vagal

People-pleasers get stuck in a vicious cycle between sympathetic and dorsal which causes chronic fatigue and dissociation because your body hardly rests.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

@FredC919 Indeed. No change is possible if one isn't working towards regulation or becoming more relaxed, as you have put it.

[Jumi James @thejumijames]

Day 30: Why your nervous system chose people-pleasing as a survival strategy.