The Villager

critic in charge 🤝

[🔞TOP G @gbola_oflagos]

🍆💦🍑

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@thelimpompo Hello laibon

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@KeleleSaysKE @_justMbula African tulip tree

[Thirsty Kipsoiwet 🇰🇪 🇳🇱 @Makiadi_]

The easiest “Sugar Mummies” to brainwash ni wale miaka imeenda, but kwa akili zao, wao hujiona bado ni Gen Z.

You will see them on social media, especially on TikTok, dancing in those short dresses ni kama ni teenagers wameingia adolescence, and updating their fans on their gym progress while wearing tight Gym catsuit and sweating profusely after a workout session.

Instead of abusing them in the comments like everyone else does for refusing to “move on” and to accept harsh realities, kama Kijana bado anatafuta, lie low and “cash out” maximumly!

In your first meeting at those clubs in Uptown which play country music and AI songs in the background at low volume, the first question she will ask you after a few drinks ni, “Ukiniona hivi, nakaa miaka ngapi hivi?”

Now, that’s a tricky question, and it’s a do-or-die for these “cabal” of wealthy women. So, usiseme kitu kama 22 ama 23 years. Surely, my brother, ata Shetani atajua unadanganya!

So, weka figure reasonable and before giving your final “poll results,” hold her hand, inspect her palms ni kama unataka kumsomea nyota, check her face keenly, then sema kitu kama, “I’m 100% sure uko 28, na in your next birthday utaingia 29.”

She will laugh whole heartedly, slap your lap, then akuitishie shot ingine ya Don Julio na Chumbi and reply, “OMG! You are so wrong! Kuja juu kidogo!”

My brother, at that point, umetolewa kwa kichaka ya group stages na ukaingizwa semi-finals direct!

Play with the figures as you push one year ahead, na akurudishie in that romantic back-and-forth. But let me warn you: ikifika 34 years, refuse everything and ask for supporting documents.

Of course, from ngozi ya shingo yake, you can tell clearly ako on the “climbing lane,” ya maisha but kuongea ukweli imewahi saidia nani?

Bladifaken!

Be in denial and say something like, “Eunice, hakuna haja ya kudanganyana. Leta ID ama passport tu-confirm, kweraaaa!”

She will give you a warm hug, then akuambie you give her time kidogo, and she will rush to the parking lot, aingie her Lexus RX 350, na atoe passport kwa ile glove compartment matajiri huficha pistol.

At that point, andika kwa WhatsApp group ya your extended family, umepata kazi kubwa Nairobi waache kuomba!

She will return and show you her passport, stamped on nearly all pages, another testament that she is well-travelled and has widened her gap between the haves and the have-nots.

She will hide her bio page and give you one last chance to guess her age. But, as I advised, stick to, “Kama imepita 34 years, then mimi sijui! Aki ya Mungu!”

She will finally reveal it, na utaona kweli Eunice was born in 1976, so ako around 50 years.

Wake up from your seat, then shout, even attracting revelers nearby, and wail, “THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! How? Gadeeeeeem!”

She will beg you to calm down, then ask her openly what the secret is, and she will say, “Hydrating, exercising, eating the right food, and minding my damn business!”

From then on, utakuwa umeingia top secretariat yake, na ni kama umeingizwa butchery na kisu sharp; ni wewe kuamua ni nyama kiasi gani unataka kukata!

Shauri yenu!

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@KCBInKenya I need to check my account

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@araplimo39 @bozgabi Maaahn napenda hizi updates zako 😂 😂

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@onjolo_kenya M

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@georgediano L

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@JaredoumaA Ngoja ukue mfalme sasa 🤝

[Ja Leto @_falsi1ke]

If you have a strong faith of buying your first car this year, repost.

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@xysist @WillyAbuga Jamaa ako na aura buana we huoni 😂🤝

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@kamauwaruhiu 😂😂😂😂

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@WNyanja56655 @AlienIBM @mbiti_mwondi @polo_kimanii Ni mbayaaa😂😂 put stone

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@mbiti_mwondi This is well noted 🤝

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@PapiOdeQ Ni paste jomba , inaniuma saana buana 😂

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@AlienIBM @mbiti_mwondi Ukweli mtupu 😂😂😂, mtu uko njaa keja imetingwa lakini ata soo huwezi Ona lakini Osama ata hajabeg ashatingiziwa 😂😂, swali bado ni lile lile @polo_kimanii huuliza 🤝

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@kisinga_v Huko akina Hannover waki ligi yao , good mats every now and then

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@DrJuma_M We mzeee😂🫴🏿 , unataka kuharibu utamu wa game juu mbona unataka saa mbili akue ameenda😂🏃

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@JuniorVent69006 @Thunders90 Yaani arb. Inataka watu Kama yeye lakini yeye anataka tu kuwa gambler badala investor 😂😂, anyway welcome to Patels world

[The Villager @themoksmoki]

@Makiadi_ Man your choice of words hunimaliza jomba 😂😂😂😂🙌🙌, ati kupanga mboka 😂🤝