Nanny Piggins

World's greatest flying pig and star of 'The Adventures of Nanny Piggins' series.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Hurray! Books 4 and 5 in my biographical series are now available in the USA.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Good news America! Now you can read more about me! https://t.co/fYkH5sIbPk

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

The UN should drop millions of cupcakes on international trouble spots. People would fight less if they had more sugar in their diet.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

It's good to be modest but it's wrong to lie.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

@PetersensBooks He knows! Which may be why he blocked me from his twitter feed. Anyway my point stands, let the poor reindeer have a cookie.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Don't put out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. It should be the other way round. Santa's the one with the weight problem.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Xmas is a time for families, in moderation. Just as our families are the people we love most, they are also the people who irritate us most.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

If you flambé your turkey wear a fire proof hat. Your meal may be good but if your hair is on fire, that's what your guests will talk about.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Don't wear a roast turkey costume to Christmas lunch. Although momentarily amusing, things quickly become difficult. Trust me.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Easy Xmas Cake. 1kg dried fruit. 600ml choc milk. 2 cups SR flour. Soak fruit in milk over night. Stir in flour. Put in lined tin. Bake.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Wear underwear with a strong elastic waist. In case you have to tuck your skirt into your undies and race an Olympic athlete to the dessert.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Try to avoid being kidnapped during the holidays. Santa's sleigh has no GPS. If you're locked in the hull of cargo tanker he won't find you.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

It's not hard choosing gifts. Just get chocolate. Everyone loves chocolate. If they don't, they are wrong, so buy them chocolate anyway.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Never stand underneath mistletoe unless you enjoy being kissed by your great aunty who forgot to put her teeth in.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Ice-skating looks festive but it's not, unless your idea of Xmas fun is waiting all day at the ER to get your broken wrist put in plaster.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

Don't be wicked in December. Santa is an elderly man with a lot on his mind. Be bad in the first 11 months of the year. He'll forget.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

It is much easier to degenerate into a hysterical weeping fool when you are isolated from civilisation.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

I do not yell. It is beneath my dignity as a pig.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

I'd rather be right here in the kitchen eating cake, than orbiting the Earth and eating Brussels sprouts. Some sacrifices are just too much.

[Nanny Piggins @thenannypiggins]

The best way to serve tofu is under 20 litres of chocolate pudding so by the time you find the tofu there's no way you'll be able to eat it.