Michael

Everybody get up.

It's time to slam now

[Michael @TheNewms]

My retirement funds diminish or grow slower when Trump tweets so can I somehow invest in deleting his account please

[Michael @TheNewms]

Guys, these are migrants seeking asylum, with respect to our laws on the topic.

TECHNICALLY, these are legal immigrants

[Anderson Cooper 360° @AC360]

“From my mind and from my heart it seems to satisfy every category of evil you could imagine” says Catholic Priest Rev. James Martin, describing the White House’s policy that’s led to the separation of families on the border https://t.co/K2i9whBaHq

[Michael @TheNewms]

MSM: "OMG TRUMP TWEETED A THING"
Us: "OMG BAD MAN"

MSM: "OMG TRUMP TWEETED ANOTHER THING"
Us: "Ew, that's gross"

MSM: "OMG TRUMP TWEETED AGAIN"
Us: "Meh"

MSM: "TRUMP TWEETED AGAIN"
Us: ...

MSM: "MIGRANT CHILDREN ARE BEING PUT INTO CONCENTRATION CAMPS"
Us: "Yeah whatever"

[Michael @TheNewms]

#hashtag

[Michael @TheNewms]

Went downtown for a date and it just so happened to be pride festival day.

Got plenty of weird and judge-y looks, just holding hands and walking down the street.

I feel like acceptance and tolerance was the whole point of the thing?

[Michael @TheNewms]

@TheJusticeDept

Hey Mr. Sessions.

Medieval Royalty called.

They want their biblical justification back.

[Michael @TheNewms]

Dead. https://t.co/o3pEDCrEDd

[Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti]

I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials and then asked it to write an Olive Garden commercial of its own. Here is the first page.

[Michael @TheNewms]

I appreciate all my Christian friends who attend and support "PRIDE" events, but it's hard for me to do so when the name itself is the antithesis of our Christian calling.

Something something paved with good intentions

[Michael @TheNewms]

When you wanna dance with your girl at a wedding reception, but Chad is taking up half the floor trying to tear some girl's rotator cuff

#notquiteswing

[Michael @TheNewms]

Wedding DJ: "Alright all you lovebirds, come out to the floor - here's a slow dance"

*Plays 119 BPM song*

[Michael @TheNewms]

I wonder why management is flushing these things down the toilet...

[Michael @TheNewms]

This person's phone just keeps saying "baby"

#waitingforMRI

[Michael @TheNewms]

Life of a support engineer:

Dev: "Hey you can you fix this thing? It's a problem for me."

Me: "Yeah sure, what's broken?"

Dev: "Not my responsibility leave me alone"

[Michael @TheNewms]

I'd like some assistance here. Reaaaallly don't feel like going through the whole unauthorized charge/issue new card/police report thing, but I will if I have to

[Michael @TheNewms]

@XboxSupport my card was charged for an Xbox live subscription. I haven't owned an Xbox in years, so I can't authenticate into whatever account it is to cancel the auto renewal.

Your call center directs me to my account, but I don't have one.

I need you to not charge my card

[Michael @TheNewms]

Don't give teachers guns

Give them basketballs

[Michael @TheNewms]

What kind of man leaves a handgun in reach of his kid?

What kind of man owns more than one handgun?

What kind of man leaves more than one handgun in reach of his kid?

[Michael @TheNewms]

What a fucking badass