Captain Topher

| Psalms 22:19 | Grand Canyon University Alumni 📓 | FBG☔️ | 🤚➡️🌵|

[1️⃣ @LeekNabers]

just met a cute girl at this wedding i’m at

like actually cute. objectively dangerous face card.

we’re talking. vibes are immaculate. she’s laughing at my jokes. i’m in my bag.

then sports get brought up, she says it

“i watch football”

my ears PERKED up

i played it cool. i said “oh nice, what’s your team”

she said “i’m a giants fan”

and that’s where a normal person would’ve said “cool, me too” and gotten her number

but i am not a normal person

my brain instantly went into terminal mode and i said “what do you think of the team?”

she looked confused

i kept going

“Darius Slayton as our WR2? Are you kidding me. Matt Nagy as our OC? Did you see what he did to Patrick Mahomes? Our franchise qb and franchise edge rusher hate each other. And we traded away our superstar DT”

she laughed nervously and said “what”

and i said “And don’t even get me started on Cam Skattebo basically trying to get himself injured”

she said “what”

and i said “so do you even follow the team”

she said “I literally have a Darius Slayton Jersey”

the vibe was GONE

just vanished. Just like Daniel Jones in primetime.

her friend pulled her away. she didn’t look back.

i was standing there alone at a wedding holding a drink i wasn’t even sipping, doing MENTAL MATH on how someone could claim to be a giants fan and think this Darius Slayton deserved that contract.

my cousin walked over and said “bro she looked into you what happened”

i said “she’s a casual”

he said “so?”

SO???

i then realized i would rather cut off my entire family than to share a bloodline with someone of the same species that couldn’t comprehend this

she had a pretty face but a DISGUSTING perspective on life that i just couldn’t get behind

could’ve had her number

she could’ve been the mother of my children

COULD’VE.

but now at least she knows i know ball

and honestly that’s worth more

[Eren 💋 @erenfromtargets]

Walking into McDonald’s after the TikTok ban:

[CAVA @cava]

going to CAVA

[Matthew D. Taylor @TaylorMatthewD]

I've tried to approach this election unflinchingly & w/ clear eyes, but this is the absolute worst case scenario.

We're in an epochal shift in American history of the worst sort, &, while it does not spell the absolute end of Amer liberal democracy, MAGA is a fatal illness. 1/

[Captain Topher @theonlytopher]

Only thing worse than craving @ChickfilA on a Sunday is craving their Pimento Chicken sandwich on a Sunday 🫠

[#2⃣BeSavage @blake_corum]

Lord thank you for last nights slumber and the ability to see another day. I ask that you watch over us as we hit the field one last time today. Thank you for this opportunity 🙌🏽🙏🏽

[Hater Report @HaterReport]

Everybody wanted to know what the Detroit Pistons would do if they FINALLY got a win.

[Swanky Wolverine @swankywolverine]

Ohio State fans hoping for a miracle CFP invite (🔊) 😂

[Captain Topher @theonlytopher]

Went to Trader Joe’s today, someone tell me good job

[MGo🫘 @MJoeBean]

Jim Harbaugh in the locker room tomorrow after he watches the bowling green film

[College Football Report @CFBReport]

2 1/2 weeks away from these types of environments 🏈

[College Football Report @CFBReport]

The year is 2020

5 ⭐️ RB Donovan Edwards (West Bloomfield, Michigan) has a top 7 of Ohio State, Georgia, Michigan, Alabama, Penn State, LSU & Notre Dame…

Donovan Edwards commits to Michigan, who just went 2-4 in a shortened covid season.

Shortly after his commitment to Michigan, Edwards posts on his Instagram story:

“Don’t be a fan when we turn this b*tch up.”

Since that post, Michigan is 25-3 with 2 CFP Appearances & more B1G Titles (2) than B1G losses (1) in that span.

West Bloom’s Finest 7️⃣

[Captain Topher @theonlytopher]

Soft launches are hilarious

[Captain Topher @theonlytopher]

@giantsimp This mf just don’t miss

[Captain Topher @theonlytopher]

Hahahaha Lakers

[Captain Topher @theonlytopher]

I’m a thoroughbred that’s what she said

[Outspoken with Bruce & Gaydos on KTAR News 92.3 @OutspokenKTAR]

- Gas prices equal to California
- #2 in inflation
- Starter homes for $450,000
- $2,000 rent!

Arizona has become unaffordable!

[Captain Topher @theonlytopher]

If you see me outside this weekend, no you didn’t