The Pig

I'm just a man who's a pig

[The Pig @theotherpig]

will someone call goddamn sean hannity

[The Pig @theotherpig]

when people get married they should tell the weight and length of their spouse, like they'd do with a new baby

[The Pig @theotherpig]

guys it's probably me https://t.co/765J98Ug9m

[The Pig @theotherpig]

@Exphunter i am art. but more useful. like mona lisa but i'll also fix your sink

[The Pig @theotherpig]

i worry about my friend paul. partly because he's afraid of success. but mostly because he's trying to murder me

[The Pig @theotherpig]

sex is a lot like graphic violence: i won't watch any movie without it

[The Pig @theotherpig]

I like the charmin bears. but they seriously gotta get more hobbies than just discussing shittin'

[The Pig @theotherpig]

they say tickling armadillos is the sign of a healthy relationship. i don't think they know what they're talking about

[The Pig @theotherpig]

i don’t own a robe or anything so i just wear a fine mink coat with a string of pearls when i get out of the shower

[The Pig @theotherpig]

excerpt from my erotic novel:
"Take it off," she whispered. The sound of ripping Velcro filled the Denny's

[The Pig @theotherpig]

i like comfort food. like fluffy pancakes. or a pillowcase full of cheez-its

[The Pig @theotherpig]

a fly-swatter can become a people-swatter with some ingenuity and just a little bit of luck

[The Pig @theotherpig]

the lifeguard can't yell at you if you're just a really good faller #poolhacks

[The Pig @theotherpig]

sex is like pizza. really gross in chicago

[The Pig @theotherpig]

my dad wasn't a rich man but he was rich in spirit. at least until he sold all his spirit and bought a boat and killed some guy

[The Pig @theotherpig]

it's important to live a balanced life. for example if you accidentally kill a turtle, you can make up for it by killing a more evil turtle

[The Pig @theotherpig]

the overwhelming smell of axe body spray is what #HeterosexualPrideDay is all about

[The Pig @theotherpig]

apparently no one wants to listen to the guy who's "usually wrong" or "can't spell potayto"

[The Pig @theotherpig]

saw finding dory. i found laughter, tears, and sheer excitement. and that was all in the bathroom before it started