Parker Wilson

I'm an ok chap.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

Day 1 has me soooo excited for the fireworks display they’ve got cooked up for day 2

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

Honored to have set a Guinness World Record by holding my breath for four years.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

I mean what rocket scientist decided to put a launch pad in Florida anyway

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

@rejectedjokes Jordan: So I was leaving Oracle and this old security guard smiled at me and said “Hey...” I stopped him right there. WHAT AM I A HORSE? #ThatsAllINeeded . Next time we played the Warriors I dropped 60 on them, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt I was NOT a horse.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

Hey! Some good news! https://t.co/LYuBbgYEDb

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

If this quarantine is about resetting expectations, mission accomplished! Literally everything seems like a luxury now.

*Unfortunately very low possibility this is what it’s about so I think we’re going to have to stay home awhile longer.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

A month of quarantining is really helping me understand how bad I feel physically every day apropos of nothing.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

The climax of every kids alphabet-based word book is seeing what kind of BS they pull for the letter X.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

@thekennychapman STEALING THIS IDEA!

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

@SuperPowerJ @unclegangly Exactly! In lieu of sports this could be huge! I don’t know if it would be better as an individual or team competition… obviously we’d have to figure out a scoring system, which would be a challenge to make objective but not impossible and oh no it’s happened I’m going crazy.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

My daughter just expressed interest in expanding the idea of April Fool’s Day into something she’s calling “Prank Season”. Thoughts?

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

@joellava Ok, one no. Wrong time or never the right time?

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

I mean, I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been keeping 7 feet of distance…

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

Wait is this not happening!? NEED TO KNOW! My weakened psyche will not be able to handle emerging from our cave someday to a world of p90x overachievers.

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

We’re all getting fatter during this time, right? This has been agreed upon, yes?

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

Strong recommendasche for watching some pj.85 videos during this time (with sound on). https://t.co/tiSgWELbpi

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

@unclegangly I WAS STRESSED!!!

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

Under stress, facing a ravaged frozen food aisle and an impossible decision of three meat DiGiorno or meat trio DiGiorno, I panicked and grabbed both. May God have mercy on my soul. @ Pavilions https://t.co/vmN9h3MjdY

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

The streets of LA have never been so bike-friendly. #SilverLinings

[Parker Wilson @theparkness]

Man, you guys remember people? I miss people.