The Return of Andy Mac

Looks like I’m back after a 2 month hiatus. I want to apologize in advance.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

I just blocked someone for tweeting, "Chocolate milk sucks". I am not fucking around today.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Imagine going to the polls and having a hard time picking a president because both candidates were really solid people.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Imagine going to the polls and having a hard time picking a president because both candidates were really solid people.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

"It's 9AM and you're already drunk?!"

...and this concludes the shortest job interview I ever had.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

@ochocinco I need like $150 in my cashapp. I lost my job due to covid. I'm short on food and it's getting depressing. You seemed like the man to go to. I dont know what else to do.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

A Tupperware party is really just a support group for Karens.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Just when you think dreams don't come true, there is a man out there who got his big break by singing the word "diarrhea" in a Pepto Bismol commercial.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Ordering the cajun turkey from Popeye's for Thanksgiving is a great way to let your family know you hate them.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Crime does not pay unless it's some sort of successful money crime.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

"Hi, can I get two McDouble's and a small fry?"

"Sure, that's two McDouble's and a small fry, that will be $3.12."

"Oh, can I get a bottled water too?"

"Sure, that will be $97.35, please drive up."

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Parents, this Halloween make sure to check your child’s candy for things like hidden drugs. God forbid you waste $40 worth of an amazing time on a little kid who would just complain that they didn’t feel well.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

The worst part of Bert and Ernie coming out gay today is the fact it made me think about muppet sex.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

You can pretty much fit anything into sandwich bags except sandwiches.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Espresso is made by taking coffee and adding $5 to it.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Changed the profile pic in hopes that some of you will remember who the fuck I am.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

Truth.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

The worst part about being single is, you can't afford to get any fatter than you already are.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

I actually beg you to play. I'd pay for you if I wasn't dead broke. There is also an online casino if you're into that kind of thing.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

My mask broke while I was at the store and now I know how Janet Jackson felt at the Superbowl.

[The Return of Andy Mac @TheReal_AndyMac]

If Aaron Rodgers mustache could unattach itself and roam free, I wonder how many sexual assaults it would have?