Jake Rivers

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

A: "Your breath smells like onions"
Me taking a long shot: "Like good onions?"

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Know the difference
"It's surreal" = challenges perceptions of reality
"It's so real" = intense experience of reality
"it's Sir Eel" = beholding a knighted fish-snake

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

What kind of underhanded dealings had to take place for Tuesday to claim both pancakes and tacos?

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Went for a dental appointment yesterday and didn't even feel much discomfort this time around.

Way to go, Covid pandemic. You made dentistry seem fun.

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

@AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Karens at Christmas are unbelievable. No sooner do I finish telling this lady I've got no room at my inn, she's all "I'd like to see your manger".

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

@AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

"It's going out of business like nobody's tomorrow"

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

"Three strikes is the charm!" @AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Sure, we all do things in our dreams that don't make any logical sense. But what possible motivation could there have been to justify ordering two deep fried turkeys? Even my subconscious knew that this was a terrible idea.

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

My wife thinks her puns aren't as bad as mine, but today she handed me a book for toilet training our son and asked me to give it a brief run through. @AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

My wife is such a Truthful Tracey, she even confessed to me that she just made up the phrase "Truthful Tracey" @AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

@SequelMemes If you only knew the power of the dark side...

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

I thought my neighbor was bluffing when he said he was going to stay up all night crafting costumes to impersonate classic authors, but when I walked past his window, there he was; earnestly hemming away. @AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Ash [after going out for breakfast]: "I loved my waitress today. She had such a wry sense of humor."
Me: "Not brown or white?" @AshaRivs #breakfastpuns

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Ash: "I have a song from Brigadoon stuck in my head"
Me:"Sing it to me"
Ash [starts singing]: "It's Christmas in Killarney... Oh wait, that's not Brigadoon, that's Christmas in Killarney." @AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Ash: *goes to eat 5th bowl of soup*
Me: "Isn't that soup-erfluous?" @AshaRivs

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Ash: ew did a spider seriously try to build a web in the popcorn maker?
Me: now that's what I call "corn on the cobweb"

[Jake Rivers @therealfakerivs]

Me, getting Milo dressed in the morning: "Milo, is that a little moose on your shirt?"
Milo: "that's no moose..."