Mya Bates

Writer, Humorist & Delusional Dreamer

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

People out here boycotting shit I never fucked with to begin with.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

“Imagine being so poor you had to like, stand and wait for a bus?” - me, in my head as I hung out the window of an uber trying not to puke, but amazed that I am no longer so poor that I have to like, stand and wait for a bus.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

It is fully summer and I have taken the subway only twice in the past 3 months. LUSH LIFE. SOFT LIVING.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

Lord I cannot WAIT for it to be above 5 degrees, so I can cycle everywhere again and not be subjected to people on the subway tweaking and shit.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I was going to go to NYC this weekend and I just didn’t. Fail.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

Last week, I took an uber share & when we got to my destination I looked over at the driver, deadpan & said “This isn’t my destination. And I’m not Mya. Who is Mya & where are we?” A moment of silence went by. Then I started laughing & said “Nah I’m just joking.” No one laughed.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

“My last bonus was $600 thousand dollars” - guy who I walked past downtown who was making sure everyone within earshot would know that his last bonus was $600 thousand dollars

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I literally want to send census a check for the amount the fine is before they even fine me with a short letter attached reading “Leave me alone.”

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I don’t think anyone Indigenous should have to fill out a census.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I just read that you can’t go to jail, but you can get a fine. I’d rather pay the fine than fill it out. That’s how annoying I think it is.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

Can you go to jail for not filling out the census? I feel like it’s really annoying and I just don’t want to do it.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

@qwixkz @Dearme2_ I base my base my weightless progress on how well I still fit into dresses at Reformation. Forget protein. Forget fibre. I want floral. I want lace.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

@qwixkz @Dearme2_ Yeah I’m not buying into that protein stuff. I think it’s all lies. If someone is 200 pounds and eating 200g of protein, this person is overeating. The first step to knowing how much protein you “need” is to weigh yourself & refuse to do that again. I’m taking measurements.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

Yesterday, I fucked with the 5pm gym crowd. Lame.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I’ve fucked with the 7am gym crowd, the 10am gym crowd, the 1pm gym crowd, the 3pm gym crowd and the 10pm gym crowd and what I can say is the best time to go to this gym is 2am because “I got the WHOLE GYM….. TO MA SELF” (In “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” hymn tune.)

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

Last week I fucked with the 7pm gym crowed. They where the worst.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit. 1 hard boiled egg.

Lunch: 8 soda crackers, 1 sliced cheese ripped up to put on the crackers and 1 pear.

Dinner: 1 can of ravioli with one slice cheese melted on top.

Water only for drinks. 1 Diet Pepsi on Thursdays.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I think I’m going to do an “anti-health influencer” short one off YouTube series where I go back on my highschool “diet” for two weeks as a grown woman and see if I actually loose weight eating the most problematic/borderline/poor kid/knew nothing about health/anorexic way ever.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I was so fed up with the traffic yesterday, that I decided to ignore the fact the street was blocked off, and just cycled right INTO the film shoot happening, the rigged camera doing a gliding shot right past me. How did you not give a fuck yesterday?

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I’m in a David Cronenberg phase. I have not seen one of his films yet. I literally just listen to his interviews while I work. His voice is like Lorazepam.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

All these videos of “eat this after the gym” meals that look so fattening that they cancel out the fact you went to the gym. I’m not buying it.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

“Like, just fuck off.” - me everyday, all day, to every single thing, including myself.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

Why the hell are people drizzling honey onto cottage cheese? What in the actual FUCK? Like, literally just fuck off.

[Mya Bates @TheRealMyaBates]

I want a naproxen iced matcha.