Life hack:
Who can afford monogramed shirts these days? Simply have your monogram tattooed on your chest and cut a little hole out of all your shirts in the appropriate spot.
Yes, it's broken Britain, where deluded self-styled patriots are manipulated into believing they're taking back a country that never really existed, from an imaginary enemy who didn't take it away, to benefit populist demagogues who don't care about people other than themselves.
If they're putting pictures of animals on our banknotes they should choose equine legends like Red Rum, Shergar, or Trigger.
Put a horse on some money for a change.
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In the land of the blind, the one armed man shouldnβt even be in this proverb as he's the guy who murdered Harrison Ford's wife in that movie and tried to frame him for it. Meanwhile, somewhere a confused man with one eye is being taught to fish in a totally different proverb.
Of course the BBC is under no obligation to have Nigel Farage on Desert Island Discs. They had Enoch Powell as a guest on the show in 1989, and if you've already heard from the organ grinder why listen to the monkey.
What I find truly poetic about hippos being one of the deadliest animals on Earth is that theyβre herbivores. Completely plant-based. They have no interest in eating you, they just genuinely seem to hate you on a personal level, and I respect that.
Anyone who gets angry about their country being overwhelmed by an alien culture that refuses to integrate, has no respect for their values, and takes all the jobs should forget about immigrants and deport AI.
Horror movie idea: in the year 3026 archeologists excavating the ruins of Washington, D.C., uncover traces of a ceremonial ballroom. After a series of terrifying supernatural events, they discover that it's built on a haunted burial ground, directly above the corpse of democracy.
I went to London today and it's unrecognisable. Gone are the cheerful Cockney chimneysweeps and flying nannies of my youth, replaced by terrifying people of different ethnicities, roaming cannibal suffragettes and giant crabs who steal your phone. Is it time for my medication?
Ghosts have dreams like everyone else. A common anxiety dream for ghosts is being summoned to a seance they haven't prepared for. Then discovering they're the ghost of a naked person. Then they wake up and experience a wave of relief when they remember they're dead.
Sorry to hear about Jeff Bezos's rocket exploding prematurely. A good technique to prevent that from happening is to try thinking about something you find totally unarousing or even repulsive, like giving workers a living wage or paying a fair share of taxes.