paul bassett davies

Writer in residence, at my house. NEW novel:

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Life hack:
Who can afford monogramed shirts these days? Simply have your monogram tattooed on your chest and cut a little hole out of all your shirts in the appropriate spot.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Yes, it's broken Britain, where deluded self-styled patriots are manipulated into believing they're taking back a country that never really existed, from an imaginary enemy who didn't take it away, to benefit populist demagogues who don't care about people other than themselves.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

If they're putting pictures of animals on our banknotes they should choose equine legends like Red Rum, Shergar, or Trigger.

Put a horse on some money for a change.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

No tragedy is so bleak that it can’t be made even worse by people like Nigel Farage trying to make it all about him.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve got what it takes to be a patriot, but I don’t think I can summon up enough xenophobic ignorance, rage and hatred.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

I find it exceptionally inconsiderate if someone uses their phone during a theatre performance, especially if it’s one of the actors onstage.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know that now, of course.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Attention writers and others. I am running my workshop HOW TO ADAPT ANYTHING on Friday 17th July in central London. A successful adaptation is a reinvention, not a rewrite. Learn how to adapt material from ANY medium to any other. Limited places. Book now.
https://t.co/qXaPtB1Dry

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

In the land of the blind, the one armed man shouldn’t even be in this proverb as he's the guy who murdered Harrison Ford's wife in that movie and tried to frame him for it. Meanwhile, somewhere a confused man with one eye is being taught to fish in a totally different proverb.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Of course the BBC is under no obligation to have Nigel Farage on Desert Island Discs. They had Enoch Powell as a guest on the show in 1989, and if you've already heard from the organ grinder why listen to the monkey.

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

What I find truly poetic about hippos being one of the deadliest animals on Earth is that they’re herbivores. Completely plant-based. They have no interest in eating you, they just genuinely seem to hate you on a personal level, and I respect that.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Anyone who gets angry about their country being overwhelmed by an alien culture that refuses to integrate, has no respect for their values, and takes all the jobs should forget about immigrants and deport AI.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Israel is intent on saving Lebanon from Hezbollah in the same way the inquisition saved heretics by burning them at the stake.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Horror movie idea: in the year 3026 archeologists excavating the ruins of Washington, D.C., uncover traces of a ceremonial ballroom. After a series of terrifying supernatural events, they discover that it's built on a haunted burial ground, directly above the corpse of democracy.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Any bus can be an open-top bus with the right medication and a sufficiently low bridge.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Regret is a useless emotion, and I wish I’d learned that a long time ago.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

I went to London today and it's unrecognisable. Gone are the cheerful Cockney chimneysweeps and flying nannies of my youth, replaced by terrifying people of different ethnicities, roaming cannibal suffragettes and giant crabs who steal your phone. Is it time for my medication?

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

President Trump is in excellent health according to his doctor, who conducted a full examination including a colonoscopy to check for brain damage.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Ghosts have dreams like everyone else. A common anxiety dream for ghosts is being summoned to a seance they haven't prepared for. Then discovering they're the ghost of a naked person. Then they wake up and experience a wave of relief when they remember they're dead.

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

@YesQuake 🙏✌️

[paul bassett davies @thewritertype]

Sorry to hear about Jeff Bezos's rocket exploding prematurely. A good technique to prevent that from happening is to try thinking about something you find totally unarousing or even repulsive, like giving workers a living wage or paying a fair share of taxes.