Oakland Think Tank

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

"Would you choose Man, or Bear?"
"Yes."
"Huh?"
"Manor Bear! Burrberry tweed, scotch, on a suede love seat by the slate mantle, surrounded by seven-point Elk busts. Done."

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

...later, when the 20yr old with neck tatts is ankle-cuffed and wattling toward the squad car: "Oooh, boy?! We're all squeeze in here, so you'll have to lay across our laps!"
"And I want to touch your haaaair! Hehehehe..."
"Lord save me."

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

"As Governor of California, I present a proposal to double funding for police and highway patrol, while drastically reducing accidents from drunk driving, and simultaneously creating a state-wide theme park and restaurant chain: Buy Tickets for a Convertible Squad Car! You and friends pre-game in the back seats, no worries about getting home NOR PARKING! When the cops get called, you are cheering in the rear, lights flashing, sirens play your favorite Skrillex track. Watch the mayhem brawl during the arrest from the safety of your bucket seats! Then, commiserate or cajole the perps on the ride to booking at the station, before stumbling into the vehicle of the next shift. Police are doing paperwork, while you barf in the station trash can and piss on the side of the building, before crawling into another squad car with the top down to get late-night munchies at Denny's with the boys in blue, kicked to the curb of your crumbly apartment in utter safety. Elect me immediately."

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

"We're here to pick up a group of four for the 10pm to 4am ride... I hope your daughters are all skinny, because there's barely enough room in the back."
"Oh, honey! Our daughters are all at summer camp. This is OUR girl's night out."
"Whoa."

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

"Hey... hey, kids! Quiet down. We're getting a call..."
"Oh, sorry officer! Guys, guys, shhhhh."
"...seems to be a side-show on 25th at Broadway..."
"Fnnnnck yeah! Get us there NOW. Best seats in the house!"

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

"What did you do for your 21st birthday?"
"Ohhh... I was in the back of a squad car."
"Shit, you got arrested?"
"Nah, bruh! We were laughing drunk as a hobo while they rammed a guy going 80 in a residential zone. Best whiplash of my life!"

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

Worst Hot-Take: "The 3pstein Files are just aspirational marketing. Prove me wrong."

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

@dioscuri @naumachia37 She named herself Aris... I am touched!

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

@AGDugin Your daughter was hot.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

@XRoboHub I was hoping to become a dancer after I got automated. Crap.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

@allTheYud You present a constructed dichotomy, and claim wisdom? You obviously can't think of more than two options. Ick.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

The earth is a rhombus; it only looks flat on each side.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

Bejamin Franklin recommended laying in the sun naked... because he was a hyper-evolved fern from the Silurian. Dollar-bills are their larval stage.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

UFOs are actually ice-cream trucks. Area 51 tech is addicted to the stuff. They have ALL the flavors, ever.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

None of you exist. You just haven't realized that, yet.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

When you comb your hair, then there is nowhere for the Faeries to nest!

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

The Washington Monument is made of paper. Punch it!

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

Tom Cruise is actually a single-celled organism. That's why his teeth are funny.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

Numbers only go up to 14. They were just lying to you, like Santa does.

[Oakland Think Tank @thinkoakland]

@RuairiRobinson Just so you know, I was the cameraguy here. This was all staged to LOOK like Ai. We had to decimate an entire city for that shot! Reality is always disappointing.