The Pie

America’s most delicious news source | Please direct all complaints to our Chief Writing Officer: @markjburton2

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

Question 8 of 12

[Nickels @stevie_nickels]

@thisamericanpie 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

BREAKING: SUPERMAN VOTED OUT OF METROPOLIS! CITIZENS HAPPILY DESCEND INTO ALL-OUT DEBAUCHERY!
If you’re a citizen of Metropolis, you already know how the morning routine’s supposed to go: You wake up at 6AM. You take an environmentally conscious sub four-minute shower. You take a leak that, in terms of both color and smell, your urologist ranks in the 99th percentile. You wash your hands for at least 20 seconds. You head down to the kitchen. You throw on a pot of decaf. And you start making breakfast as hubby and the kids file in and sit down at the kitchen table.

The kids dutifully acknowledge the alert on their phones reminding them that school starts at 8AM sharp and that truancy is a misdemeanor. The oldest boy catches a whiff of breakfast, which prompts him to ask the same thing he always asks: “Mom, why can’t we have Sugar Frosted Sugar Squares like the kids in Gotham?” Which prompts you to say the same thing you always say: “Because, sweetie, we don’t live in Gotham. And Superman would throw us in the gulag.”
But this morning, things are different. You wake up at God knows what hour. Your  shower leaves a carbon footprint large enough to rival a developing nation. You take a piss that has both the hue and redolence of Tang. You bypass the sink without so much as a second thought. You galavant your way down to the kitchen. And you splash a little coffee in your gin before firing up the stove.

Hubby and the kids come barreling in moments later, eyes glued to screens displaying live footage of an 18 foot radioactive lab rat surrounded by a rabid crowd encouraging him to chug a concoction of Sprite and Malt Liquor. The oldest boy glances up just long enough to ask: “Mom, why isn’t Superman putting a stop to this?” And you can barely keep the smile from forming on your lips as you answer: “Because, sweetie, Superman isn’t in charge anymore. Oh and also: fuck that guy.”

✍️: @markjburton2

Dear America: The people of Metropolis have given Superman the boot!

Hit the 🔗 in bio for the full scoop 🥧

[destanie @iiwantdestiny]

@thisamericanpie This gave me bad flashbacks to my first job as a cashier for Save A Lot. One time someone came in at closing, filled two shopping carts to the brim way past closing, abandoned them and left. On the flip side, some of those crazy ass customers have become very fond memories for me

[DaBoom @KarenDLyons1]

@thisamericanpie Lmao this sounds like the store I work in😂😂😂

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

Grocery Store Employees About To Snap If Little Old Lady Keeps Showing Up Minutes Before Closing
https://t.co/WRwkiRFPA4

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

The Pie's in-house guru, The Pragmatist, offers his sage advice on the following question:

Dear Pragmatist,

I just posted my opinion on social media but, before I could even bask in the praise of my echo chamber, some rando replied with a series of cold, hard facts backed by irrefutable empirical data proving what I said has absolutely no basis in reality! I don’t want to get into what I actually said. There’s no time for all the gory details anyway. The algorithm is algorithm-ing and I could become the laughing stock of the internet any second now! WHAT DO I DO!?

–Judie Jablonski

Head here to see The Pragmatist's brilliant answer 👇
https://t.co/iGFNOEiCHy

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

🥧❤️🥧

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

BREAKING: Batman & Joker Are Opening Competing Burger Joints! Here’s Everything We Know

https://t.co/z3dSAYHxP7

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

No one was exactly shocked when Batman and Joker announced their retirement last week. I mean, let's face it, their final street fight was a far cry from the classic throwdowns they used to have in their prime. Not only did both hero and villain call for a 2-minute timeout halfway through the scuffle so they could catch their breath but, after it was all said and done, Bats wound up on the sideline for an entire week thanks to a pulled hammy ankle and Joker, well, Joker’s still going to PT twice a week for a torn rotator cuff.

Everyone declared their retirement the end of an era... but it looks we all spoke too soon. Rather than riding off into the sunset, it turns out Bats and Joker are actually just moving to a new arena– taking their 80+ year rivalry from the street to the kitchen. Not even one hour ago, Gotham's most iconic archenemies announced plans to open up competing burger joints… directly across the street from each other!

✍️: @markjburton2

Hit the link for the full scoop on Gotham's most anticipated new restaurants: Batman's What's Beef?™ and Joker's Ground Zero™ 👇

https://t.co/PbWmXDYb56

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

BREAKING: Employees Hold Intervention for Co-Worker Killing the Vibe With Her Genuinely Kind and Warm Personality
It doesn’t matter if you rescued a puppy from a burning building. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend finally proposed. It doesn’t matter if your mother called you at 4am on Sunday and told you that she's in remission. When a co-worker asks you how your weekend was there are only three acceptable answers: “Good”, “Alright” or “Oh you know”.

These are amongst the many lessons employees of a Seattle accounting firm had to impart upon their newest team member, Lisa Lockhart, who– despite being 28 years old– still hasn’t figured out that no one in the office gives a flying fuck about her actual life.

Since Ms. Lockhart joined the firm two months ago, employees have been finding out the hard way that asking her anything other than a simple Yes or No question can and will result in a legitimately thoughtful answer. Oh and after she finishes devouring those 2-4 minutes you’ll never get back? She’ll ask you about your life– at which point you’ll almost feel bad for reaching into your 10 pound bag of pre-packaged responses and pulling out some good ol' reliable bullshit.

In short: Ms. Lockhart’s penchant for forming genuine connections with other human beings was totally killing the vibe.

The breaking point arrived when Fran, the secretary, got corned into an 11-minute deep dive about Ms. Lockhart’s latest DIY home renovation. That same day, Fran shot off an emergency group text: “WTF DO WE DO!?”

The response was as swift as it was universal: An intervention was mandatory.

That intervention took place this afternoon and lasted about 48 minutes. Many intricacies were shared regarding the subtle art of the Mutually Manufactured Social Exchange– but the main takeaway was simple: All workplace conversations that aren’t A) directly related to the job or B) juicy gossip about the misfortunes of co-workers we all secretly hate are to be taken for exactly what they are– socially mandated niceties that have NOTHING to do with actual interest in another individual’s life and/or well being.

Not long after the intervention Ted, a senior partner, walked in on Ms. Lockhart wiping her eyes in the break room. Without thinking he asked her how she was holding up. Ted was all too ready to kick himself for making it sound like he actually gave a damn... but then Ms. Lockhart responded: “Oh you know.”

Mission accomplished.

✍️: @markjburton2

[destanie @iiwantdestiny]

@thisamericanpie

[Nickels @stevie_nickels]

@thisamericanpie Some of those babies thoooo 😂🤣😂

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

BREAKING: Meta Launches Program to Curb Epidemic of Ugly Babies on Facebook and Instagram
Mary Martino’s mornings always start the same way: Wake up, throw on a pot of coffee, plop down at the kitchen table and hop on Instagram. But this morning, before she even had a chance to start scrolling, Mary found the following message waiting in her inbox:

Dear Mrs. Martino,

It’s been brought to our attention that, in your eagerness to share your new bundle of joy with the world, you’ve actually been causing your friends and family members a considerable amount of pain. There’s no easy way to say this, so we’ll just say it: Your baby looks like a contestant on Chernobyl’s Got Talent. And a sizable portion of your 538 followers have, quite frankly, had enough. While the decision to continue posting your child is ultimately yours, we’d be remiss if we didn’t inform you of the current situation. We ask that you remove your maternally-colored lenses and take a cold, hard look at a recent photo of your baby…
Now ask yourself: Should I really be subjecting my followers to this everyday?

Sincerely,

Zuck & Company

Unfortunately, Mrs. Martino has the dubious honor of being one of the first to receive this message, which is part of a new program being rolled out by Meta in an attempt to slow the scourge of ugly babies running rampant on its platforms.

You may have noticed that Meta has begun including a thumbs down option on all baby photos on Facebook and Instagram. If pressed, this button will send an anonymous message to Meta informing them that you consider said baby to be an objective eyesore.

If a baby receives enough downvotes, the user responsible for posting the baby will receive a message similar to the one above, informing them of the unsightliness of their child and providing the sobering data to back it up.

As of this writing, over 148,000 Facebook and Instagram users have received a message informing them of the ugliness of their baby. Many have deleted their profiles due to sheer embarrassment. Others have posted lengthy tirades to their page, some going so far as to @ those they suspect of downvoting their kid.

On the bright side, a few users have actually owned up to the fact that they are, indeed, the progenitors of ghastly babies. One such user, Gretchen Gorgonzola, scrubbed all of her one-year-old’s photos off the internet. She then posted the following statement to her Instagram: “My apologies, y’all. You know our little one takes after her father.”

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

BREAKING: Human Race Almost Wiped Out Because The Hulk Prioritized His Mental Health

Humanity almost got wiped out today thanks to The Hulk who, up until about 30 minutes ago, was convinced his mental health journey was more important than a war against genocidal aliens.

It’s been three months since Hulk started going to therapy for his anger, and while it’s done wonders for him– it’s been a nightmare for his teammates.

For weeks the Avengers have been battling an alien army hellbent on exterminating the human race. But instead of fighting alongside his homies, Hulk’s been preoccupied with doing all the mental health things: i.e., practicing Samatha meditation, volunteering for story time with underprivileged youth at the local library and binge-watching Love on the Spectrum.

Oh and the one time Hulk actually did show up to a fight? News cameras caught the Green Goliath not only turning the other cheek but spouting off New Age platitudes like “The real enemy lies within” and “Love is our greatest weapon.”

So it shouldn’t surprise you that, this morning, the Avengers found themselves on the brink of defeat in the final battle against the enemy. And it also shouldn’t surprise you that, at the exact same time, Hulk was scheduled for a therapy session.

But when Hulk arrived at the shrink’s, he was told his deductible had increased by 37%. When Hulk asked why, they said prices were skyrocketing due to the surge in demand for therapy that tends to accompany events like planetary invasions.

Ten minutes later, guess who came storming onto the scene of the final battle? Good ol’ Hulk! And let’s just say he didn’t come bearing platitudes. More miffed than ever before, he went ballistic– mowing down the entire alien army all by himself.

At the post-battle press conference, reporters made sure to revisit Hulk’s two now-infamous quotes: “Does the enemy still lie within?” one reporter asked.

“You’re damn right the enemy lies within,” The Hulk responded. “WITHIN OUR BULLSHIT HEALTH CARE SYSTEM!”

“And is love still our greatest weapon?” asked another reporter.

“Love will always be our greatest weapon,” Hulk said. “Good thing there’s nothing Hulk loves more than beating the brakes off his opps!”

✍️: @markjburton2

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

If you were forced to choose... which one would you say is closer to the truth?

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

If you were forced to choose... which one would you say is closer to the truth?

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

You die. When you arrive in the Afterlife, you're told that you'll be returned to the mortal realm to do the Life on Earth thing over again.

2 caveats: 1) You'll return to Earth as an 18 year old. 2) Before you go back, you have the option to choose your sex. All other attributes– family, health, looks etc.– will be assigned randomly.

DO YOU KEEP YOUR CURRENT SEX OR DO YOU SWITCH IT?

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

BREAKING: Carmy ‘The Bear’ Berzatto Cooks Up Master Plot, Steals The Democratic Nomination In Chicago!

They said this year’s Democratic Convention in Chicago was just a formality. That delegates had already chosen Harris in a virtual vote earlier this month. But tonight, when the first state was called to declare its votes for the presidential nominee– what was said sent shockwaves through the nation: “We, the state of Delaware, cast 100% of our votes for… Carmy ‘The Bear’ Berzatto.”

Colorado would say the same thing. As would Connecticut! And Massachusetts! And Nevada!

When the dust settled, it was none other than Berzatto who was left standing, securing enough votes to knock off Harris and become the Dem’s pick to be the next President of the United States.

But how did this happen?

We now understand that, several hours before tonight’s vote, delegates at the United Center in Chicago were treated to a 27 course meal described as a “tasting menu from the heavens”.

Delegates gorged themselves on dishes fit for deities. Scallop tartare with makrut lime oil. Dry-aged duck with buttermilk polenta. And yuzu lemon cheesecake with charred milk crumble.

When the feast was finally over, Chicago’s own Berzatto appeared from the kitchen– revealing himself as the mastermind behind the menu. Berzatto then made the not so subtle hint that, if he were to become the next POTUS, feasts like this would become a daily part of every delegate’s life.

Calls were placed. Back room deals were made. And, a few hours later, The Bear was the nominee.

If elected, Berzatto says he’ll run the country just like he runs the kitchen. For starters, he’ll get rid of all government titles and just have everyone from judges to clerks call each other ‘Chef’.

Berzatto also plans to apply his list of 27 Non-Negotiables from Season 3 episode 2 to his administration’s vision. Aging members of Congress who’ve long resisted term limits won’t like Non-Negotiable 24: No Repeat Ingredients. And green card hopefuls probably won’t be too thrilled about Non-Negotiable 26: Less is More.

✍️: @markjburton2

#DNC2024 #KamalaHarris2024 #TheBear

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

The lives of 100 random people have been documented throughout 2024 and then turned into scripted TV Shows [Dramas & Comedies]. Only the 10 most watched of these shows will be renewed for a Season 2.

The story of YOUR life in 2024 is one of these 100 shows.

Considering everything you [think you] know about the average life in 2024… do you think your life has been interesting/entertaining enough to be renewed for a Season 2?

[The Pie @thisamericanpie]

BREAKING: Olympic Breakdancer Raygun Pulls Up To The Bronx, Challenges Entire Borough To Rap Battle!
By now you know the story: Raygun, a 36 year old Aussie woman, enters the first ever Olympics breaking competition, induces aneurysms with the objective awfulness of her performance and yet– despite scoring a donut in all 3 rounds– becomes the Most Recognizable Breakdancer on Earth.

But as it turns out, that was just the beginning.

Raygun– birth name Rachel Gunn– showed up in the Bronx unannounced this afternoon and challenged anyone within earshot to a rap battle.

A dozen MCs answered the call. And to Mrs. Gunn’s credit she never backed down, taking on all competitors. That being said, we just want to make it perfectly clear that, on this otherwise quiet day in the birthplace of Hip-Hop, Mrs. Gunn received the ass whooping of the millennium.

Never in a million years could anyone have guessed that the forces of male chauvinism, ‘snow bunny’ double entendres and kangaroo bars would come together in such diabolical ways.

In the end, though, none of that mattered.

The media showed up in droves and, by the time they stopped filming, ‘The Aussie in The Hood’ had once again broken the internet. Just like that, Raygun was back atop the mountain of infamy– this time as The Most Recognizable MC on Earth.

Mayor Adams says a mural of Mrs. Gunn has already been commissioned by the city. He also says that Hip-Hop Heads should thank the Olympian for introducing the genre to a whole host of new demographics. As of this writing, the most popular question in bingo halls across the country is, ‘Who’s Your Top 5 Dead or Alive?’

✍️: @markjburton2