J_S_N

Green and leafy like as·par·a·gus. Comedian. Writer. Into sex talk more than Sigmund Freud.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

Yes, Jose Canseco played baseball, but he also hit over 450 home runs in his performance enhancing drugs career.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

My kid asked me for a new bike, so I told him about crowdfunding.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

Just called the CDC because I thought I might have been exposed to something about Robin Thicke.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

Be the reason a coworker needs a vacation.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

You guys ready for *everything*tober?

[J_S_N @thisjason]

I just saw a cute girl and... I think it was my wife! Yep it was my wife.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

It's sad to see Wal-Mart doing to Tracy Morgan what they do to Mom and Pop shops, blame them for going out of business.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

I'm just saying, if you brush your teeth at work then don't be surprised if people offer up their couch.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

I take what extra money I have each month and put it aside for water fountains.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

I purposely spelled someone's name wrong in an email, which in the corporate world is pretty hardcore.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

I have a feeling a woman with 3 breasts will win the 2016 presidential election.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

There is a mystery liquid trapped between my iPhone and the case, if you're wondering why I only use speakerphone.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

Doughnuts are good, but not a very good raise.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

There's food in the break room? I don't consider that enough of a reason to risk conversation.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

I hate doing things that require interrupting a daydream.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

I don't get why people work out, when they already have beautiful photos of themselves from 10 years ago.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

Does anyone put deodorant on their knee pits?

[J_S_N @thisjason]

The worst is when you fall asleep masturbating and wake up still unsatisfied.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

If you don't find your soul mate today, it's OK, they're just somewhere else having a one night stand.

[J_S_N @thisjason]

If I had told my parents I wanted to become an Olympic curler, they would have bought me a trampoline.