🎀.

[🎀. @thyrellx]

Most embarrassing Sex moment ??

[🎀. @thyrellx]

We spent thirty years building technology to save time and now the average person spends four hours a day proving they have none, scrolling through other people's highlight reels like evidence in a trial nobody asked for.

[𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧★ @olivvrszn]

i cut friends off for not being as good of a friend to me as i was to them. i would've never put you in a situation to make y'all feel how i felt. i'm good to all my friends but i know when the energy is not returned...i'm just a good friend and not stupid. let that sink in.

[6ɪx✦ @ok6ixx]

Nurse: The doctor will be right with you.
Me: Thanks.
(30 minutes pass)
Nurse: (Pops head in) Still doing okay?
Me: Yep, just waiting.
(Another 20 minutes)
Doctor: Sorry for the wait!
Me: No problem.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Actually, I'm just here with my dad. I think you want the other room.
Doctor: (Checks chart) Oh my god.
Me: Yeah.
Doctor: I'm so sorry.
Me: It's cool. I did find out my blood pressure's great though.

[🎀. @thyrellx]

Every job posting wants a self starter who thrives in fast paced environments and works well independently, which is corporate for we don't plan to train you or check in, we just want to see if you drown quietly enough that we don't have to explain it in the next quarterly meeting, and somehow people still write cover letters pretending this sounds exciting.

[2𝓼𝓶𝓸𝓴𝓮𝔂𝔂 @nomodeath]

i will restart the entire song if i breathe too loud over my favourite part

[𝓲𝓬𝓮 @be_like_ice]

Gave my dog coconut water to rehydrate after being outside and now this lil heifer hasnt drank regular water for 3 days straight…She definitely aint bout to start this shit.

[𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧★ @olivvrszn]

uncomfortable conversations get things solved.

[Mars @fwmarszn]

The funeral industry has the perfect consumer: grieving, time-constrained, and terrified of appearing cheap. Bundled services turn social guilt into pricing power. Markets work poorly when comparison shopping feels like disrespecting the dead.

[Ϟ @XqiuzX]

The older I get, the more I realize restaurant portion sizes have nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with plate size trends from 2015.

[Softboy @softboywin]

As an adult, I now realize why my mom was always making the same 4 meals

[🎀. @thyrellx]

Every "Do Not Disturb" sign in a hotel is just a polite request that has never once stopped housekeeping.

[𝑱𝒐𝒓𝒐🪼 @JoroJrn]

This guy is the GOAT when it comes to REFLEXES😭😂

[ℋ𝒶𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓎 @Am_hailey]

Just saw a video of a woman who is mad that the UPS man parks his truck in front of her house (on the public street), so that he can eat his lunch in the shade.
I'm 10 kinds of confused because my UPS guy eats his lunch in my driveway, under a tree. I don't mind at all. It's hot as hell and he's not bothering me.
There's also a fridge on the porch with waters Gatorade and snacks.
When did we start getting mad about people EATING LUNCH?!

[𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧★ @olivvrszn]

some of you are unaware of just how amazing you really are. the way you make people laugh, lift others up, or spread some extra love. you do this even though you're struggling too, and i think it makes you such a beautiful human being.

[Softboy @softboywin]

Paying to park at the hospital is some fraudulent activity

[6ɪx✦ @ok6ixx]

I recently found out my grandmother has been catfishing her entire book club for three years by pretending she read all the books when she's actually just been watching the movie adaptations on 1.5x speed the night before meetings. She got caught because she kept passionately defending scenes that were only in the films. When confronted, she said "I'm 73 years old, I don't have time to read 300 pages about someone's emotional journey through Italy" and then she quit the book club and started a movie club with the same women. They all joined. She's their president now.

[🎀. @thyrellx]

We invented a device that holds every book ever written and mostly use it to watch strangers argue.

[🎀. @thyrellx]

The "back" button on a browser is basically the only form of time travel we've built, and we use it to escape our own search history.

[𝓐𝔂𝓸✯ @shefwayo]

Bro: why are Americans are so good at rubix cubes?
Me: because they have a history of separating colors

[2𝓼𝓶𝓸𝓴𝓮𝔂𝔂 @nomodeath]

Apparently telling your coworker that you knew they were born via c-section by the way they avoid labor is not acceptable