Toby Arsalan

Comedian / Writer. Follow me for jokes and writing tips.

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

@iamcolinquinn Come to Berlin, Germany! (not a joke)

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

@AverageSteveS @Slatzism Incredibly vile thing to say, may God guide you

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

When someone says "it behooves you", I think of a horse gently urging me to do something.

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

thanks for hopping on this call with me looks like your camera is still off oh no wait my eyes were closed

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

It’s insane how long carrots take to boil

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

multiple levels of idiocy taking place here, even more so because this poster thinks he "gets it"

[Scorched Earth Policy @Scearpo]

One of the most concealed, reviled, and avoided truths of human existence in a materialist society built on egalitarian principles is that the value of human life is neither objective or abstractly priceless.

Human life has specific subjective value. Not only are some human lives worth more than others, but some people are more concretely classifiable as human beings than others. There are people that walk the earth which cannot and should not be considered human beings.

These are innately instinctive truths which have been understood about human nature ever since the dawn of civilization. These truths represent horrific disruption to every system of government touted as correct by the amorphous blob which defines western hegemony.

Everything you were taught in school, every movie you were fed, every song you listened to, and every chiding lecture from anyone even slightly important on television has existed to reinforce the message that the value of human life cannot be counted or compared.

And yet, it not only can be, but is calculated to mathematical precision every day by corporations, government agencies, militaries, think tanks, hedge funds, and banking institutions.

Value is a relative concept. Your value to the world around you is exclusively determined by your effect on the world and those in it. Even the most minor ineffectualities by peripheral presence contribute to the great piggie bank of how others see you.

If you are ugly, you have less value than the beautiful because you inflict a sensory burden on those around you.

If you are stupid, you have less value than the intelligent because you are unable to contribute as much and often create problems which smarter people must develop solutions to mitigate.

If you are poor, you have less value than the rich because you simultaneously are far less capable of actionable consequence and autonomy, but you likely inhabit a number of other negativities which compound upon your squalid existence.

Refugees represent an almost exclusive drain upon the society in which they inflict their presence. They are not simply within the category of “immigrant” which is a mixed bag of utility depending on context. They are purely a vague category of disenfranchised and prospectless mouths to feed whose use to society is mainly through the steering of their destination for the purpose of political pandering or to be used as pawns in societal destabilization.

A refugees life is almost certainly worth far less than a ridiculous little waffle eating squirrel, simply through the mathematics of emotional impact that squirrel had compounded through the amplifier of social media. A squirrel that entertained thousands, millions of people will always be worth more than even most human individuals of well repute.

Even a wild squirrel eating an acorn on a tree branch in a park will be worth more for the sole act of making a little girl smile than a smelly pissed stained homeless person on a subway, who has accrued enough collective ire, imposition, and sensory assault on his surroundings that any society would be justified in feeding him into a sluice that processes his mass into fertilizer.

Progressive identity politics ridden grandstanders will cry and shit their pants over the most obvious truths about existence, which they cannot even parse in their schizophrenic slogan built delusion reality where no individual person has value but the category of being “a person” is everything.

“Did he deserve to go to jail just for being loud on the train???”

Yes

“Is your personal stuff worth someone else’s life?”

Much more

“(Random crime) doesn’t mean he deserved to get shot.”

No, his existence already justified it.

This is the world you and everyone actually lives in, one where the localization of your reality dictates value.

I would wipe out the population of three different continents just to save the life of someone I loved and if you disagree I’m a better person than you are.

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

In the near future, fans asking celebs to take pics with them will become a rarity because fans don’t want to be associated in some potential future sexual violence, human trafficking scandal

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

The hardest part about being Muslim is other Muslims

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

@Covenant_watch The part about two scales of morality for ourselves and others reminds me of Kierkegaard: "Most men are subjective toward themselves and objective toward all others – but the task is precisely to be objective toward oneself and subjective toward all others"

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

@bigrichiefr You should try to quit smoking

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

Can’t believe I used to use ice cube trays without lids like an absolute animal

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

Petition to bring back "surfing" to describe anything we do on the internet.

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

I forgot punctuation

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

I never really believed the US take on Europe being an overly bureaucratised nanny org with more stagnation than innovation until this bottle cap law. Now I’m like, oh it really is over.

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

Just ate a whole apple for the first time since I was twelve. it felt good, primal

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

impressed by how awful Microsoft Teams is

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

A buddy cop comedy starring Dobby and Gollum don’t ask me how you’re welcome Netflix

[Toby Arsalan @tobyarsalan]

@lukeburgis In Arabic, there are two types of envy:

- "Hasad", the bad kind, where you want what the other has, and for them to lose it.

- "Ghibtah", the motivating kind, where you want what they have but are happy for them at the same time.