Dad: *offers me a hand full of walnuts*
8 year old me: I can’t have those, I’m allergic.
Dad: What will happen?
Me: They make my mouth itch.
Dad: That’s just what walnuts do.
And that’s when my dad learned that he’s also allergic to walnuts.
BREAKING NEWS; The PM has been reported Missing police have stated they won’t be looking for him & If any officer comes across him he will be persuaded to ‘Remain Missing’ a Photo @Keir_Starmer has bn sent to all police forces with words ‘NOT WANTED’👇🤷♂️
🚨 BREAKING: The Government has announced it will end the legal duty to provide support to asylum seekers
- The automatic right to housing and cash support for anyone who claims asylum will no longer be the case
- Support will become “discretionary”
- People who can work but refuse to, or who break the law and ignore removal directions, can all lose support
- Migrant access to benefits will also undergo a consultation with new requirements on who can receive or keep them
- Follows the announcement that those arriving illegally will now face a 20 year wait before they can apply for permanent settlement
Good news! We've launched a new Ryanair upgrade scheme that is guaranteed to improve your flight experience. For just a few pounds more, passengers can book the same route with another airline.
We're displaying a real Rolls Royce jet engine in Departures for all you aviation enthusiasts! No idea which plane it fell off and please mind yourself when climbing over large pieces of roof.
One of our new sniffer dogs is looking for a 'forever home.' It just won't take instruction and wants to attack our Kentucky Fried Chicken all the time.
Armed security had some fun with Bruno Mars earlier. His lyrics claim he'll 'catch a grenade for you' but failed to mention he'd also 'shit my pants for you' when one of the lads chucked a blank one at him for a laugh.