Tom Lockhart

Sarcastic man about town & enthusiastic Cyclone fan.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

WANTED: someone to follow me around and whisper, "You're an adult" every few minutes.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

@Enezator King of New York

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

First, the Doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

A lot of people on "X," including me, have baggage. Some of you must own a suitcase factory.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

I'm not saying we should kill all the idiots. I'm saying we should remove all the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

When does a muffin top become a busted can of biscuits?
Asking for a friend.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

I don't trust stairs.
They always look like they're ip to something.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

I need a microwave bed. Where I can get 8 hours of sleep in 17 minutes.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

It still feels like Monday.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

I've got a lot on my plate right now.
Not busy, just really hungry.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

My reality check bounced.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

I'm opening a two dollar store.
It's for people who enjoy the finer things in life.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

Had to use the McDonald's drive thru this morning to replenish my supply of napkins in my car

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

Texas Tech and QB Brandon Sorby are parting ways.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

I have a candy dish sitting on my coffee table. But, it's filled with Tums.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

The truth is I find it very stressful the Smokey thinks I'm the only one who can prevent forest fires. I'm not trained for this.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

Hooters has started a new delivery service.
It's called Knockers.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

Karma has no menu.
You get served what you deserve.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

Former Iowa State player Hakeem Butler has parlayed another strong spring into another chance to earn a spot in the NFL this summer. The UFL Offensive Player of the Year signed with the Broncos, per ESPN.

[Tom Lockhart @tomrlock]

I've done terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.