shea roles

trying to be a combination of tina fey, ghandi, & topanga.

[shea roles @tooooshea]

this is all i do all day.

[samantha @milkygoddess]

harry styles looks really good today i haven’t seen him i just know

[shea roles @tooooshea]

Keep taking care of that one friend who can’t handle their alcohol. It’s good practice for when you have a toddler that cries for no reason, tries to physically fight you, & throws up in your car.

[Lights @lights]

Pro tip for when you feel like you wanna make fun of somebody

don’t 👌

[Stefanie Napoles @Stefanie_N]

If someone put a pizza in front of me and said, "this may or may not be poisoned..." I'd probably risk it.

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@Canteezy I’m pretty fucking smug 😂 Did I ever tell you about the time I met him? I hope not because it was embarrassing..

[Zach Birkland @Birkalicious]

Don't forget drink water and get some sunlight because you're basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

[Lo @laurenehubbard]

PSA: The new iPhone costs $999.

The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs $887.71

...make smart choices.

[shea roles @tooooshea]

If you're my friend and you haven't tried to meet my son yet, I really don't think you're my friend.

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@DaringAlexandra I blame trump for this.

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@TheNotoriousMMA & @FloydMayweather how about whoever wins the fight tonight donates some of the money to the victims of #HurricaneHarvey?

[shea roles @tooooshea]

Of course this is the longest stretch of sleep my son has gotten in weeks and I am wide awake🙃🙃🙃🙃

[shea roles @tooooshea]

Spends $120 on baby clothes for my kid: this is important, worth the money.

Gets $40 electric bill: what do they think I'm made of money?!

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@Spenser_xoxo 2017 shea is proud of you.

[David @daveedjamss]

I wish instant karma onto anyone who doesn't tip their bartender

[shea roles @tooooshea]

I just did the Cupid shuffle while breastfeeding, and I feel like that is noteworthy.

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@Spenser_xoxo yeah I left my job two months before James was born AND david was gone for 5 weeks of it. I just about went NUCKING FUTS.

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@Spenser_xoxo welcome to the lifestyle my friend. #realhousewivesofsanantonio

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@Spenser_xoxo or the newly popular

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@Spenser_xoxo "Lay down on this therapist couch I bought on Craigslist. We can work through this."

[shea roles @tooooshea]

@Spenser_xoxo I think "what happened when you were a child to make you hate yourself"