Eli

Trans man in the closet | Christian | Using this alt for trans stuff | Just a guy trying his best | He/him

If you think you know me irl, no you don't

[Eli @transguy_eli]

I hate that I'm so fucking pathetic. I wish I could disappear. Not die, just not be a burden any more

[Eli @transguy_eli]

Would love just one thing in my life to go well right now. One thing would be enough. Fuck this.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

I'd fucking well hope that it's permanent. Give me all the permanent changes when I finally start T

[Eli @transguy_eli]

Some days the weight of dysphoria is crushing no matter what I do

[Eli @transguy_eli]

I have felt some sense of call, but even then I've been shocked by how much some people have tried to push me towards ministry, and that I've been pushed to do it *fast*. I don't know if I am called. But I know that I am not ready at this time in my life.

[Gillian Branstetter @GBBranstetter]

Regardless of their legal ability to do so, the political will to prosecute the parents of trans kids isn't far from the will to prosecute trans adults for being near, working with, or parenting any kid. This is what happens when you regard a kind of person as a contagion.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

@l_melo_h2 Yeah. I do see this kind of discussion a bit in trans male spaces, but that's about it. And even then, not much.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

@l_melo_h2 I totally feel the same, but there's few irl spaces that I could say this out loud without being shouted down. As someone who has worked hard to reclaim masculinity for myself (an ongoing process), it's dispiriting to see how many people think that it's inherently bad or toxic

[Eli @transguy_eli]

@badinfinity2 It was! He's a great guy.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

@ViscountConsett @itsjacksonbbz Yep. I finished A-levels in 2013 and not once had I heard an adult say anything positive about LGBT people. You might expect that from the church leaders, but the teachers were every bit as bad.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

The kids at school who voted me most likely to come back to the ten year reunion as a man were full of shit. I have no intention of going to any more school reunions.

[Andrea Gibson @andreagibson]

It is ok to say there are things
parts of you did not survive.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

That's not to say the gender isn't central. I wrestle daily with other people's perceptions of my gender, and the pain of having a body that doesn't fit. But being trans is also interwoven through all these other facets of my life and I wish I had a better way to talk about it.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

A lot of the trans theology I have come across (and maybe the failure here is mine) is very focussed on bodies, and the transgressive aspects of our experiences. Both are important and relevant, but I'd like to see broader theological engagement and some different themes.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

Maybe we could talk about shame, calling, solidarity, finitude and yes, even embodiment. Not sure where I am going with this tbh. I don't have any fully formed thoughts. I just know that in a weird way being trans is about so much more than just gender for me.

[Eli @transguy_eli]

Cannot wait to one day have top surgery. I've been binding for years already, and I suspect it will be at least 2-3 more. Hopefully I won't have permanently messed up my body by then

[Eli @transguy_eli]

Trying to tell myself that it gets better. More importantly, there are things I can do to make that happen for myself.