MormonTranslate

Like Google Translate, but for Mormon bloviating

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

As public health experts can see the future far better than the Profit’s of the Lord™, we will await their word on what to do. While we wait, we will contribute to efforts by dipping into our $130B “rainy day” fund.

Jokes! We’ll skip meals and accept millions in stimulus cash.

[Russell M. Nelson @NelsonRussellM]

I love you, dear brothers and sisters, and assure you that wonderful days are ahead. As we cautiously move forward to a more normal way of life, Church leaders will continue to monitor information and assess how soon we may again gather in our meetinghouses and temples.

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

Temples are a point of intersection between plagiarized masonry and reality. In a season when we have temporarily suspended temple operations, please dwell on these ceremonies and allow them to “go through you” the way 10% of your income goes through you to us #LDStemple #Bednar

[David A. Bednar @BednarDavidA]

Temples are a point of intersection between heaven and earth. In a season when we have temporarily suspended temple operations, it is a choice opportunity to invite the covenants and ordinances of the temple to pass through us.

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

As members of a cult, we believe in using technology to further proselytize and “love”
*unless you’re gay*

[Lot's Wife @WifeLot]

@TranslateMormon
Help
#TransformationTuesday

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

As a cult, we’ve spent the past 100 years putting a very Christy spin on things. But make no mistake, we worship the hell out of our old, black suited president. He’s the real MVP in our eyes.

[Quentin L. Cook @CookQuentinL]

As a Church, we worship God the Father and Jesus Christ and are ministered to by the Holy Ghost, but we honor and sustain our dear prophet. President Nelson is an example to me of ministering as the Savior would.

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

When I clearly reverse years of marketing regarding what the name of my corporation should be, and even precede my declaration with, "Thus shall my corporation be called,' I am serious.

[Mormon Channel @mormonchannel]

"When the Savior clearly states what the name of His Church should be, and even precedes His declaration with, 'Thus shall my church be called,' He is serious." —Russell M. Nelson

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

Your goal should be to drive everyone toward the choices that we have told you are right, but while carefully portraying the illusion of choice in the process

[Mormon Channel @mormonchannel]

"Our Heavenly Father's goal in parenting is not to have His children do what's right; it is to have His children choose to do what is right, and ultimately become like Him." —Dale G. Renlund

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

@DJ_Eclipsed Great question. Maybe because the church was founded by a sexual predator?

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

"The mythological name by which you refer to our cult is not negotiable" says cult leader, speaking in a country where citizens are free to refer to whatever they want, however they they want.

[GeneralConference @ldsconf]

“The name of the Church is not negotiable.” #PresidentNelson | #GeneralConference

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

@skiiergirl @DoAOneRealQuic1 @McconneyMichael @EveryDay_SE

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

@orangesundevil @LDSchurch "Clark" is clearly an ex-mormon who uses a fake Twitter account to make mormons and mormonism look bad. It's the only explanation. Well played, fellow ex-mo!!

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

I promise that if we will do our best to reverse the years-long marketing efforts of my Prophet™ predecessors, the ancient figure whose name we have hijacked will provide undefined benefits at a later date #GeneralConference #Mormon

[Russell M. Nelson @NelsonRussellM]

I promise that if we will do our best to restore the correct name of the Lord’s Church, He whose Church this is will pour down His power and blessings upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints, the likes of which we have never seen. #GeneralConference

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

@Boomdigitty1 Correction. We should be using the full name, even The Sorriest Independent College Football Team in America.

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

What was once banned from sale on campus is now an excellent promotional item for our mediocre football team! Truly the fulness of times!

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

Our PR folks have found a new platform from which to market our black suited board of geriatric profits

[The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints @Ch_JesusChrist]

President @NelsonRussellM and his counselors in the First Presidency and all members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles can now be found on Instagram. https://t.co/I9G7ur3pUo

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

After decades of saying Christ's church is restored in its fulness, I am now saying "but wait, there's more," like this is an infomercial. Our numbers are dismal, so I'm trying my darndest to keep the faithful hanging on for the NEXT conference, the NEXT announcement #mormon #lds

[Russell M. Nelson @NelsonRussellM]

We are witnesses to the process of restoration. If you think the Church is fully restored, you’re just seeing the beginning. There’s much more to come. Wait until next year, and then the next year. Eat your vitamins, get your rest. It’s going to be exciting!

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

@IntoRainbowz @UnLoVeIsH @MormonTranslate Long story. Just know that Twitter's mormon police remain strong

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

If someone sincerely says they have found enduring joy outside the mormon interpretation of the gospel, they are wrong. Also, don't worry about the seed of judgment and distrust this may plant in otherwise healthy relationships.

[FairMormon @FairMormon]

There is no enduring joy outside the gospel of Jesus Christ. #GeneralConference

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

At least we're calling it what it is: a business #mormon

[FairMormon @FairMormon]

God doesn't want us to be obedient pets. He wants us to grow up and join the family business. #GeneralConference

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

@UnLoVeIsH @Twitter @MormonTranslate Twitter’s mormon mafia accused us of impersonation, which is ironic, considering they’re corporation impersonates a church

[MormonTranslate @TranslateMormon]

@IntoRainbowz @UnLoVeIsH @MormonTranslate You called?