Trevor Hill

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[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

Claiming the GOP is the "Party of Lincoln" is like claiming Anakin Skywalker was the bravest Jedi. I think you skipped a plot point or two..

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

@RonnRonnVigh @mattlieb That was the week! Honestly that last-minute replacement show was easily the best one.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

@mattlieb Even worse. Rob went to see a Chappelle late show at Cobb's midway through our week and had a breakdown because he's "not as funny as Dave" (wut). He went and bought a hoodie and wore it the rest of the shows. Because obviously that's what makes Chappelle great. The. Sweatshirt.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

@sfspur @SouhanStrib I require that shirt. I require the crap out of it.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

There's been six different Presidents named James. And not one Jeff. Stop underachieving Jeffs.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

@ptolemytortoise Yep!

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

I get anxiety when my nurse has scrubs that are covered in cartoon characters. Nothing inspires confidence before knee surgery like a 43-year-old anesthesiologist in a full Tweety Bird ensemble.

[The Punch Line @punchlinesf]

Edwin Li, Amy Miller, Trevor Hill, and MORE will be performing tonight at the Comedy Allstars 🌟 Come check it out! Show starts 8! 🎟 https://t.co/xpLwndboe9

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

@ikesplace When is the Long Beach location opening up? I'm a NorCal boy living in a Dutch Crunch-less purgatory and in dire need of deliverance from bush-league breads. Plz hurry.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

If it’s yellow let it mellow.
If it’s brown flush it down.
If it’s white OH SHIT YOU’RE A CYBORG.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

'Infinity Gauntlet' sounds like the title of an underappreciated Isaac Hayes album.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

@BarrClifton Look, the man had his demons. *pulls up Cold Blooded on Spotify*

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

Of course Paul Ryan was the worst. A man with two first names? Never good news: Marv Albert, Andy Dick, Kirk Cameron, Rick James, Woody Allen, Benedict Arnold. I just pray we never find out what exactly Jonathan Taylor Thomas is up to. Probably murder stuff.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

John Boehner’s views have “evolved on marijuana”, much like my views on Mars Volta have “evolved on marijuana”.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

John Boehner has “evolved on marijuana”, embracing two things Conservatives distrust most: recreational drug use and Evolution. #JohnBoehner

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

The invisible hand of the free market hasn’t been washed since 1980.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

The hand of the free market might be invisible, but it definitely smells like a Quiznos with multiple health code violations.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

Just found out "the invisible hand of the free market" is a good thing, unlike the invisible hand that tormented my grandfather to madness after he desecrated that ancient tomb.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

Every year the IRS asks me if I made any Tier II Railroad Retirement Contributions. Every year I get bummed I didn't.

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

“Lock her up!” - GOP
“Lock him up!" - Dems
“Lock me up!” - werewolves

[Trevor Hill @trevorhill]

Coworker: “Right now I’m being consulted by a certified holistic nutritionist on a two week super-juice cleanse to detoxify my endocrine system and help counteract connective tissue inflammation, poor nutrient absorption and cell dysfunction.”

Me: “I flossed yesterday”