SM

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

.@CNN the vaccine made me lay eggs uncontrollably. Bigger than robin but smaller than chickens. #BidenCrimeFamilyExposed

[Omaha Scanner @omaha_scanner]

Caller thinks there is a body under the tarp or a really good shape of a body.
#OmahaScanner

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

My gaze is an official cooling center.

[SM @Tron137]

@DougJBalloon @MentoGabe Hat tip to @meganamram

[SM @Tron137]

@bodycourage Your show is The BEST, and getting more and more funny every episode! Keep up the great work - you have lots of fans rooting for you!!

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

RT if you’d rather burn to death *several times* than have your smoke alarm go off once while you’re cooking

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again https://t.co/LlVTGjexHK

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

I don’t care what time it is. I need a patty melt.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Employee On Thin Ice After Taking Allotted Personal Day https://t.co/jNKA4z3DU5

[Buitengebieden @buitengebieden]

He changed his mind.. 😂

[Buitengebieden @buitengebieden]

The timing of a panda..😅

[Kristen Mulrooney @missmulrooney]

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said "nothing," then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

[SM @Tron137]

@KenJennings

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

I’m in the passenger seat of @SenFeinstein’s car right now (she’s driving) and I’m asking her to resign. Frankly I thi

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

The use of “Friyay” is an efficient way to weed out friends.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety https://t.co/yxNCcL4IQt

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

To project intelligence and credibility, add sleeves.

[Mike Rutherford @CardChronicle]

Fake arguing with your coach to distract the defense before throwing a half-look pass for a reverse alley-oop to break a 92-92 tie in the final minute of OT in a Sweet 16 game at MSG might be the coolest shit I’ve ever seen