melissa

derp

[melissa @trtle999]

Delivery guy: last name? Me: “Brucker, like B as in boy, then Rucker, like Buh-Rucker, Brrrr-ucker” then I turned around, and ran into the desk behind me, and said whoa who put THAT there, and started to laugh, but he was already running away. #professionallyawkward

[melissa @trtle999]

“When I grow up, I’m going to be richer than Guy Fieri and MrBeast COMBINED.” -Derek, age 7 #dreambig #guyfieri #mrbeast #lifegoals #rolemodels #sendhelp

[melissa @trtle999]

The Facebook algorithm where you hide things you don’t like does not work to hide wordle posts. Hjalp

[melissa @trtle999]

So many toys in her room you can barely walk and my kid is laying in bed playing with an unopened ketchup packet. #thatsitimdone #goodnight

[Marcella Arguello @marcellacomedy]

Please, if I make plans with you when Im drunk, I beg of you not to believe me.

[melissa @trtle999]

Thinking about how one time I got drunk at yard house in San Diego and I saw a salad on their menu that had baby corn in it so when the waiter came back I ordered a bowl of baby corn and said “I know you can do it, I know you have baby corn, it’s in that salad.” And he did. 🌽💛

[Bush’s Beans @BushsBeans]

brainstorming some taglines:

-beans, they are good
-I love to eat beans
-wow! beans!!!
-beans are full of nutrients and also they are delicious
-beans.

[Brian Leiter @BrianLeiter]

Correlation is *not* causation

[melissa @trtle999]

@AmbrosiaVoyeur AARON BURR!!!!!!!

[melissa @trtle999]

Recently discovered my kid thought only women drank coffee, because my husband and father in law don’t, and me my sister & my mom do, and these are her only data points.

[melissa @trtle999]

An amphibian is just a wet reptile.

[melissa @trtle999]

There’s a sign in the bathroom at the New Orleans airport that says “wash your hands like you just ate crawfish and you need to take your contacts out 🦞” #neworleans #msyairport #crawfishfingers #louisarmstronginternationalairport #funnybathroomsign

[melissa @trtle999]

We were just talking about Simone Biles and Bitsy walked in and said, “who ya talkin about, Simone from the Olympics or Symone the Drag Queen?” And I’ve never been so proud 😂 #DragRace #symone

[melissa @trtle999]

“Mom! Dad! A baby lizard just went through the crack in the jacuzzi and it’s in the jacuzzi and we need to save him!!!! Come quick!!!!!”

[melissa @trtle999]

Just described my loose flowy dress as a “decorative sack”. #mumu #decorativesack #socomfy #sosacklike #sonice

[melissa @trtle999]

It’s a real bummer when your kids get old enough to finish their meals and you no longer get a second meal of kid food scraps after your sensible lunch. #mommyhungry #mommywantpizza

[melissa @trtle999]

My 6 year old ran up to my husband & I and yelled “WHATS UP BOOMERS” and I yelled back “WE’RE NOT BOOMERS WE’RE GERIATRIC MILLENIALS” and it did NOT make me feel better. #geriatricmillenials are worse than #boomers but at least we’re not #generationX 🤷🏻‍♀️

[melissa @trtle999]

Yesterday I told Derek to stop playing with his spoon against his teeth while he ate a yogurt and this kid quietly hung onto that injustice for like 17 hours and just now I was stirring my coffee and he looks at me and says, that noise with your spoon is VERY ANNOYING. STOP.

[melissa @trtle999]

Do you guys remember Poe and Belly??? Two CD’s that I fucking DEVOURED and I feel like, have completely disappeared 🥺

[melissa @trtle999]

You ever making dinner and everyone’s out in the living room and then dinners ready but you kinda just....don’t....tell anyone...yet? No? Oh yeah me neither 😬 #drinkingwinealoneinthekitchen #peaceandquiet #momlife