Interests: creativity, leadership, politics, sport. Author, cofounder CIM journal. Now podcasting and AI songwriting. Emeritus professor, Manchester University.
All that UFC twathead has done is remind the entire world of how much we love Michelle Obama, how unbelievably stunning she is, and how we wish she’d run for President instead of the mangled paedo.
I'm old enough to remember when Nigel Farage would hold a press conference at the drop of a hat.
So why is he now launching his divisive policies in a blog post from the safety of his keyboard?
I can think of 5 million reasons why…
Noddy, Dick and Danny Kay
Hold a meeting every day
To pursue their secret plan
Helped by Sally Handyman
Happy to continue for a small donation to the Poets in Poverty Charity..
⏯️ My Daily Satire
BREAKING: Nigel Farage calls emergency Zoom meeting after Reform polls start tanking
Invited: Nigel Farage, Richard Tice, Lee Anderson, Zia Yusuf, Sarah Pochin, Danny Kruger, Robert Jenrick, Andrew Rosindell and Suella Braverman.
So yes, all Reform MPs and the people who keep appearing when Reform needs to look serious.
Farage opens the meeting looking furious.
“Right. The polls are collapsing. The public are asking questions. This is extremely dangerous.”
Richard Tice nods.
“Yes, Nigel. Some voters appear to have read the manifesto.”
Lee Anderson joins late, shouting:
“Can everyone hear me?”
Farage sighs.
“Yes, Lee.”
Lee looks confused.
“Am I on mute?”
“No, Lee.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Lee.”
Lee nods proudly.
“Good. Because I have a serious policy point.”
The room goes silent.
Lee continues:
“What if we promise to fix Britain by lunchtime?”
Tice coughs.
“Lee, that is not a policy.”
Lee frowns.
“It is if you say it slowly.”
Suella Braverman asks whether they should go harder on immigration.
Farage snaps:
“Suella, that was already the emergency plan.”
Robert Jenrick suggests a serious policy paper.
The Zoom falls silent.
Danny Kruger asks whether they should talk about housing, wages, the NHS, or public services.
Farage looks confused.
“Danny, this is Reform. We do feelings, not spreadsheets.”
Zia Yusuf enters the call with a corporate background and a very serious face.
“Perhaps we should reposition the offer around delivery, competence and fiscal credibility.”
Everyone stares.
Lee whispers:
“Is he speaking foreign?”
Zia continues:
“We need to show voters we are not just anger with a logo.”
Farage immediately looks worried.
Sarah Pochin clears her throat.
“What about the £5 million question?”
Silence.
Someone pretends their Wi-Fi has dropped.
Tice freezes his face manually.
Lee Anderson whispers, very loudly:
“Do not mention the money.”
Farage explodes.
“I have answered this. I cannot be bought. I am not, and never have been, a crook. This is exactly what the establishment does. They cannot beat us at the ballot box, so they throw mud, they scream scandal, they brief the media, and they hope the public forgets what this movement is about.”
Zia says quietly:
“But Nigel, the public still might ask why someone gave you £5 million.”
Farage leans closer to the camera.
“Because they believe in me, Zia. Very strongly. Five million pounds strongly.”
Lee raises his hand.
“So it was like a birthday present?”
Tice closes his eyes.
Lee continues:
“Because I once got a Toby Carvery voucher and I declared that emotionally.”
Nobody speaks.
Farage points at the screen.
“Listen carefully. The line is simple. We say the polls are fake, the media is scared, Labour is terrified, and any questions about the money are an establishment smear.”
Suella suggests calling it an attack on free speech.
Jenrick suggests blaming the civil service.
Tice suggests blaming the blob.
Lee adds:
“And tofu.”
Farage pauses.
“For the £5 million?”
Lee nods.
“And the boats.”
Farage nods slowly.
“Excellent. We are back on track.”
Meeting ends.
Duration: 7 minutes.
Outcome: Blame Labour. Blame migrants. Blame the media. Blame tofu. Blame everyone.
But whatever you do, do not ask about the £5 million.
The Gestapo marched hundreds of thousands of innocent people to their deaths.
I've ended private schools' tax breaks to invest in state schools.
No responsible leader makes vile comparisons like this. Kemi Badenoch is not fit to be Prime Minister.
Nick Watt, "We're looking at Andy Burnham because if he wins the by-election he could dislodge Prime Minister Keir Starmer"
"But Reform UK really do believe they have a good candidate in Robert Kenyon who is a local plumber"
"They believe he's got a good story to tell"
"On his social media posts, Rob Kenyon has distanced himself from them and says he wouldn't put those kinds of posts out now"
Why is Newsnight's Nick Watt whitewashing Robert Kenyon racist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic and sexist posts?
Do my session musicians deserve a bonus?
Fresh out today on You-tube:
https://t.co/gJrcCNR24m
John F Keane’s poem, To The Fairest, is given the usual fine treatment by singer Tara Turner, but the musicianship on the instrumental support is outstanding on this track.
President Trump orders Peace.
“I can call the spirits from the vasty deep.
Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man;
But will they come, when you do call for them?”