Tum Goodman

Tim/Tum, Comedian Who Definitely Knows How To Spell His Own Name, Humor/Humour Enthusiast, Not Good At Writing Twitter Bios, (he/him)

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

👋 @StAustellBrew - I saw this on the door at one of your pubs. Am I allowed to change my kid here even if I don’t wear a dress or am bouncing on a pogo stick?

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

I don’t know who needs to hear this but January was the exact same length it is every year.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

Baby spit up: the perfect low cost accessory to go with the baby spit covered shirt you’ve been wearing for 48 hours.

Follow me for more game changing parenting fashion tips.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

The Georgia defendants would look prettier if they smiled in their mugshots.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

@paulsinha After having tickets to Friday night’s show, we rebooked for today and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of your fantastic show. Thanks for getting back out there and sharing your jokes and energy with the world. Wishing you health and a smooth rest of the fringe.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

Happy Oh No Not Another Flyer Please Leave Me Alone Month in Edinburgh to those who celebrate!

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

Eating soup for the first time in front of a new group of colleagues is among the most stressful experiences ever.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

This is the pizza I am about to eat. It has pepperoni, banana, jalapeños, and artichokes on it. In the name of science I ask for your reactions, comments, and opinions. Please be as honest and authentic as you can. The experiment depends on it.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

I joined another social media platform and I’m already terrible at it.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

I am once again asking who the fuck is Martin Lewis and why should I care about what he says?

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

3:05pm

Colleague: “I’m off to the dentist.”
Me: “Isn’t it a little late to go to the dentist?”
Colleague: *confused stare*
Me: “35 minutes late.”
Colleague: “What are you talking about?”
Me: “Dentist time is at 2:30”
Colleague: “How’s that?”
Me: “Tooth hurty.”

Nailed it.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

A bird pooped on my chest today as I was walking down the street. Thankfully a very nice stranger was nearby and gave me some tissues to help clean up. He was, however, unwilling to help me hold the bird down so I could return the favour.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

"Virgin Galactic sets dates for 1st commercial space flights — and the fares are wild"

I don't really care about commercial space flight but the author/editor of this headline should be punished for not saying that the fares are "out of this world."

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

Sitting outside writing some new material for a gig tonight and a page blew away. I watched it fly down the street and land at a man’s feet who picked it up, read it, shrugged, and put it back on the ground. I’ve had a few pretty rough gigs lately but this one really hurt.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

Update: it seems to have been unretweeted. And they say that social media gives people a false sense of reality. I'd have to say that my social media experience is pretty on par with real life.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

A tweet I wrote back on 24th December just got retweeted and has 69 views. My social media presence can only be described in one word: nice.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

@WolfCryBoy So that’s what Sacha Baron Cohen has been up to for the last few years…

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

First Pat Robertson dies, then Trump gets indicted, and now Boris Johnson steps down as an MP…

Damn, News Cycle! Who you trying to impress?

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

I’ve got two doctors appointments this week. One of them has asked me to bring a urine sample. I don’t remember which one though. Someone this week might not be very happy with a gift I’ve brought them.

[Tum Goodman @tumnotofficial]

Shout out to the few British companies being chill and NOT sending me marketing emails with hot coronation deals. You the real MVPs.