Turtleenigmatic

Very funny comedian. Thirsty, Dark, and Deadpan.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Are we being slutty moodeng or slutty pesto for Halloween

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

But also this is exactly the same thing that #Life-Size with #tyrabanks & #lindsaylohan was about.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

So The Barbie Movie is about the allegory of the Cave and derealization. Cool. I think i am barbie therefore i am.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

When you are like damn i need a husband, a job, and a house. Which one do I focus on first.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Can someone tell @MileyCyrus you really cant hold your own hand. Its weird . People look at you funny. I was just doing it, and people were like “Sir is your wrist alright?”.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Sometimes I respond on grindr not bad. When i am obviously doing bad. I am on grindr.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

I am a vegetarian but when a mosquito tries to suck my blood I kill viscously. Don’t know what that says about me.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Am I supposed to be really nice to Elon Musk to blow up on Twitter now, since he is gonna be the only employee soon.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Anybody else not know what to do with their chin in pictures

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

The best thing you can do is stop taking advice from straight people.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Kim Kardashian and Ivanka Trump had a three hour dinner where they helped each other use the internet to look up how to put a close crazy family member in a conservatorship.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

@LizMaeorMayNot

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

When people are having fun without me: Bitch I gave you your whole personality. I gave you you every ounce of fun and joy you have had this last year. When I met you were an emotional shriveled up snail.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Unpopular opinion: Taylor Swift whines too much. But I do think she could excel doing marketing for a weed company. All her new song titles sound like marijuana strains. Like Lavender Dreams would be a sweet joint.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

I love hearting my own tweets, reminds me who my biggest fan is.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

The king of England is the happiest person I have ever seen whose mother just died.

But if your mom made you wait 73 years for a job you would be happy she died too.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

It’s weird how straight people after a certain age make friends based on their children’s activities, because I only make friends from weird grindr interactions.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

The weird thing about loufas is they are relaxing because they are slowly ending part of you.

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

Can someone give me a talk show?

[Turtleenigmatic @turtleenigmatic]

If your pillows are u uncomfortable rescue a Pitbull