Pete

Whatever, Mom!

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

I’ve been disabused of the notion it’s not butter

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

I love reading epistolary novels

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

Could you swing by the grocery store and grab some apples? My guests are itching to bob for something

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

Does the Michael Jackson smooth criminal lean into your cubicle: “hey watcha working on”

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

@MaddyAppelbaum I’m….not sure the people were ready for this one

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

Farm to table, mouth to butt

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

Why is it always “shut your pie hole”, never “open your pie hole and share your perspective”

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

Freeing Dobby by giving him a pair of ultra stretch slim-fit chinos from Uniqlo

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

@ChillAndCoolGuy this is NOT a trap

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

Coworker: what did you get up to this weekend
Me: I worked on my latest Neapolitan novel
(Remembering I can’t reveal I’m Elena Ferrante)
Me: I mean ..I did some serious beezing

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

@lordbuttzlord And to think I got so far on my looks alone!

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

If you can’t stand the Milfs, get out of the Manor

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

*looks at the other people seated at the table* oh my god this is a dinner for schmucks isn’t it

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

New York City: The Gateway to Westchester

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

@ChillAndCoolGuy I love when I can parkour faster than the Google maps estimate!

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

I’m parkouring l so I’ll be there in 15-20 depending on how many ledges there are

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

In lieu of a first dance the couple will be improvising a few scenes. An audience suggestion would be appreciated at this time

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

@HeroFromKvatch I JUST FELT THAT

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

Hotel for Shrews

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

@eric_st0ne @lordbuttzlord Exactly

[Pete @TweeterHerman]

I'd be a lawyer right now if I hadn't torn my ACL doing Mock Trial in high school